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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on December 5, 2013, at 22:34:43
I'm finding it a bit overwhelming. It'll be four months since my father died, someone with whom I had a very complicated, problematic relationship.
Posted by sigismund on December 5, 2013, at 23:14:42
In reply to Grief, how long does it take?, posted by sleepygirl2 on December 5, 2013, at 22:34:43
Perhaps it is easier to feel a less difficult grief when the relationship was good at the end?
I still have this tangle of feelings about my father (when I think about him) and he has been dead almost 40 years. It hasn't changed much, just got fainter. But I don't think I felt grief for him, or maybe I did, if not for him then for something. So I am unsure if grief is the right word here.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 6, 2013, at 0:16:21
In reply to Grief, how long does it take?, posted by sleepygirl2 on December 5, 2013, at 22:34:43
well...
obviously...
longer than four months.
but also quite genuinely.
i think i'm still coming to terms with my father's death. and that was a couple years ago. i think you are 'allowed' (in some kind of 'normal sense' to take *at least* a couple of years.
i mean...
part of 'coming to peace' is integrating the things they have done. which can take a while. depending on what they have done. depending also on what they have not done. which sometimes is at least as important.
and then there is the Other Stuff.
dammit. it is getting cold. and i am going to jump in the pool.
more to the point... i am surrounded by (literally) like... 100 people at least. why haven't i.... Made Friends.
?
Into the pool I go.
perhpas.
I have a big bottle of beer left...
Posted by sigismund on December 7, 2013, at 0:48:16
In reply to Re: Grief, how long does it take?, posted by alexandra_k on December 6, 2013, at 0:16:21
To continue.....
Whereas with my mother I had a simple lovely loving thing going. I don't feel grief for her. She was old and it was her time to die and I was glad to help her. The thing is, I miss her. That is the difference.
And if you miss someone they are alive in you.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 7, 2013, at 3:08:40
In reply to Re: Grief, how long does it take?, posted by sigismund on December 7, 2013, at 0:48:16
hmm.
i hardly ever miss my dad. because i hardly ever saw him when he was alive. i hardly ever find myself thinking 'oh i should show dad that' or 'i should tell that' or... i hardly ever find myself thinking that i should get in touch with him. or that i wish he was here.
but then i don't get that much for absent friends. but i get it sometimes, i guess. and i'm making a more conscious effort these days to... well... post them cards is the thing i'm doing these days. saying something about how much they do mean to me as friends.
hardest thing for me about my father going was that... he knew he was going to die and... he didn't have anything to say to me. he didn't have anything special. he didn't want to tell me he was proud of me... he... well... he wanted me to be around him for a bit, i guess. but he didn't have anything much to say to me. and he didn't really want to hang out. that hurt. i thought... he would want to have a proper conversation. but nope.
i'm mostly at peace with it now. but that took a while.
what are you finding hard sleepy?
Posted by SLS on December 7, 2013, at 16:10:05
In reply to Grief, how long does it take?, posted by sleepygirl2 on December 5, 2013, at 22:34:43
> I'm finding it a bit overwhelming. It'll be four months since my father died, someone with whom I had a very complicated, problematic relationship.
>Does it come in waves, or is it continuous?
If things just are not getting any easier, or get worse as the months pass, you may need to consider a condition known as "complicated grief".
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/complicated-grief/DS01023
http://www.complicatedgrief.org/
- Scott
Posted by Dinah on December 9, 2013, at 13:27:54
In reply to Grief, how long does it take?, posted by sleepygirl2 on December 5, 2013, at 22:34:43
I think it is harder when it's a problematic, complicated relationship.
Don't forget to grieve the relationship that might have been, or that should have been. Don't forget that it's ok to not feel positive feelings towards the deceased.
Although I still dream that Daddy is alive, and I'm trying to figure out what to tell everyone who attended his funeral. We had a good enough relationship. This year will be nine years, and I still sometimes want to pick up the phone and share something with him that I can't share with anyone else.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on December 9, 2013, at 21:28:35
In reply to Re: Grief, how long does it take?, posted by sigismund on December 5, 2013, at 23:14:42
I'm unsure of what mine is. I think it's partly coming to terms with how sh*tty things were, and that's just that.
Sad, just sad.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on December 9, 2013, at 21:29:48
In reply to Re: Grief, how long does it take?, posted by alexandra_k on December 6, 2013, at 0:16:21
Missing what wasn't, and won't ever be.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on December 9, 2013, at 21:32:54
In reply to Re: Grief, how long does it take?, posted by alexandra_k on December 7, 2013, at 3:08:40
Yeah...
I think I get some of that.
The intensity of it is rough. It comes in waves.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on December 9, 2013, at 21:34:57
In reply to Re: Grief, how long does it take? » sleepygirl2, posted by SLS on December 7, 2013, at 16:10:05
It's in waves.
I avoid thinking about it most of the time.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on December 9, 2013, at 21:36:33
In reply to Re: Grief, how long does it take? » sleepygirl2, posted by Dinah on December 9, 2013, at 13:27:54
Yeah...
It's rough.
Posted by sigismund on December 11, 2013, at 13:05:00
In reply to Re: Grief, how long does it take? » alexandra_k, posted by sleepygirl2 on December 9, 2013, at 21:29:48
>Missing what wasn't, and won't ever be.
Missing is the best part of grief, the sanest part.
I was reading a review of a book by Julian Barnes about the death of his wife, and of his grief.
I liked this.....
"When we killed - or exiled- God, we also killed ourselves.......No God, no afterlife, no us. We were right to kill Him, of course, this long standing imaginary friend of ours. We weren't going to get an afterlife anyway. But we sawed off the branch we were sitting on. And the view from there, from that height - even if it was only the illusion of a view - wasn't so bad."
This is the end of the thread.
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