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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on March 14, 2011, at 19:27:59
I haven't posted on here in a while. Things have been up and down and all around. Each day; many times each day. One moment I think I am fine, and the next, I plunge into what feels like a never-ending darkness and loneliness. I feel so lost. There are so many different thoughts that race through my mind. But right now, I am standing at the fork of the biggest decision of my life thus far, and I have no idea how to choose.
I know these type of decisions are hard for everyone-- all decisions are-- but for me right now, I have so much hinging upon it: it feels like my life is hinging upon it. I will talk to my therapist about this on Wednesday, but the session goes by so quickly, and I need so much help in deciding. Also, I know that he will not decide for me-- he will make me choose.
It is a question of whether I stay or go. I have the option of staying in my current city and working within a program to which I have been accepted that is where I am currently at. I would be here for 3 more years-- that would give me an open-ended amount of time to work with my therapist. I have been so worried about not having enough time. Here, I have all of the time that I need.
This would be to stay.
However, the other option is to go-- sometimes I think that because I am in such an intense transferential relationship right now, I am seeing the world as distorted. I have been accepted into the program of my dreams, and if I accepted the offer, I would move to the North. Sometimes I think I can just choose to be OK-- why can't I? Choose to forget all of this mess; move on to a brand new start; re-create the self that I am; become a new self. But I know I can't. I might fool myself for a while, but not forever. The thought that I can begin anew and be OK is just another part of the riddle in which I am trapped.
The very thought of having to start over with a new therapist makes me want to vomit. I can't do it. First, if I moved, I would spend my time searching the whole city to find a therapist just like my current therapist. I will not find anyone just like him. Even if I found someone competent who was accepting new clients, I would have to go through all of this again. There is no way that I can tell someone what is wrong, what is going on. I feel like my current therapist shares a history with me that is inaccessible to words alone; I feel like I am in the middle of a transferential relationship that if I give it time to work through, will end with much healing.
But then I wonder, what if I am wrong? What if staying here ends up being the worst thing for me.
I don't know how to choose, or even who to talk to this about. Most people would not understand. I know a lot of people look at me and think that I am being ridiculous. They see me as young and as having all of the time in the world. That may be partially true, but it is also not true. I think that I will never again have the opportunity with which I am confronted. It is a once-in-a-lifetime chance.I feel like if I leave my therapist, maybe I will be alone forever, living my life as I have been doing so for years. It has been such a struggle, and I am afraid. I am afraid to move to a new city with the hopes of being OK, but not really being OK-- becoming depressed for what I have lost here. I am most afraid of suicide. I can never escape it. It is always there. I am afraid of not taking the time to face up to what is haunting me inside.
As much as I want to go towards what is new and towards the dreams I have had for so long, I think that underneath that might just be a running away from what it is that I most need to face.
Right now, I feel so distressed and chaotic. I cannot rest. This is awful. I think I know what is best for me, what I must do.
I think I need to stay here and work with my therapist-- take the time, however long it takes, and reach a place of better health and hope. Let the process run its course with time.
But maybe I am wrong.
I feel like my self is dispersed-- like there is no self. I know that the choice I make will create the self that I become. I feel this truth deep inside. It is so scary. I have 2 weeks to decide.
How to choose:
Each option yields its own stream of possibilities and to choose for one seems to be to choose against the others. Within each stream, there is much that is necessary, though different and mutually exclusive; having to lose what could be induces fear and deep insatiable grief. But something will have to be lost, I think, because that is actually the only way that something can ever be gained.
Even not choosing itself is a choice. There is no escape.
To sit in the totality of indecision is to be paralyzed in the chaos, to be locked within the torment of hell and the only way out
is to choose to leave.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on March 14, 2011, at 19:36:14
In reply to in chaos, posted by Annabelle Smith on March 14, 2011, at 19:27:59
I feel crazy, so crazy.
I feel out of control.I am driving myself crazy with all of these thoughts-- I am looking at every possible angle of the situation, but I really can't do anything about any of this until Wednesday, when I see my therapist. I just want to take a large dose of sleeping medicine and sleep until then-- this place of indecision is tormenting.
Also, I just got back from spening a couple of days at home with my family-- that induced a huge amount of other things that are overwhelming. And there are problems with food again, not that they ever went away; but with stress, they get worse.
I can't stand this; I can't stand to be alone in my mind like this; I can't stand waiting; I can't stand it. Dear God.
Posted by pegasus on March 15, 2011, at 10:07:20
In reply to in chaos, posted by Annabelle Smith on March 14, 2011, at 19:27:59
"I feel like my self is dispersed-- like there is no self. I know that the choice I make will create the self that I become."
Oh, sweetie, it sounds like such torture. And I think you've hit the nail right on the head. You don't have a solid sense of self. But your choice doesn't have to equal who you become. It is possible to develop a more solid sense of self that isn't so easily changed by one life experience or another. I think that's a lot of what therapy can be about.
And . . . when I think about your predicament, I can't help noticing that someone else might be able to view this decision as a really cool thing. I mean, both options have some really wonderful things about them. You could take the job where you are, and stay with your beloved T, with whom you are doing important work (I gather). Yay! Or, you could go participate in the program of your dreams. Yay!
The bad thing is that you cannot do both good things. Even though it sounds like you know which decision you'll be making, you can't let go of the other option, because it's also so good. So, the key is to find a way to let go, without tearing yourself up inside about it.
I wonder if there is a chance that you could apply to the program of your dreams again in 3 years?
Or, maybe you can try to focus mostly on all the great work you'll be able to do with your T in that time. 3 years of good therapy can accomplish a *lot*. It seems likely that that could be as valuable as the other program to your future life. I mean, imagine going forward with less of this chaos all the time? The chaos seems to be pretty constant and debilitating to you. Is there a program on Earth that could be worth keeping that in your life? It's hard to imagine from this distance, at least.
I've found that when I think I'm making a huge life changing decision, it always turns out to be something other than what I thought it would be. No matter which way I choose. I've learned to stop putting so much stock in what I think I'm doing, and try to be more open to the fluidity of life, and my ability to adjust to that. Some of my worst decisions have led to some of the most wonderful things in my life. And vice versa. So, the key is to develop your ability to roll with what comes. In my opinion.
I hope this is helpful, and not more disturbing. If it's unhelpful, please feel free to say that this is not what you want.
Let us know what you decide.
- P
Posted by Annabelle Smith on March 21, 2011, at 17:31:29
In reply to Re: in chaos, posted by pegasus on March 15, 2011, at 10:07:20
Thanks, Peg. I have read over your post several times now and found your words really helpful. I actually took it with me to my session last week, but as usual, with all of the other things that I bring in, did not pull it out.
But I think you are right. I think this therapeutic relationship here is worth an infinite amount-- it's something that even the 'best' program in the world couldn't give me.
I am leaning-- 90%-- towards staying here. I would be here for three more years. That gives me so much time to do good work with my therapist. It should free me. Yet I still feel scared.
I begin to project and think: what if he doesn't want to work with me for that long? What if he doesn't think anything is wrong with me, that my issues are too small to work on for that long, that I don't need therapy? Maybe I am just afraid to commit to this relationship and open up. Maybe I am afraid of change. But this is what I want.
It is still chaotic, as I am still going back and forth in my head. I won't make my final decision until 2 weeks, as I will be visitin my other option next week to check it out, though I really don't plan to go there.
That's where it's at. I have a session on Wed-- about a day and a half away. I hope I don't f*ck it up by self-sabotage: dissociating and getting anxious.
Last session, when I left, my the left side of my body was numb and tingling. Also, he did something last time that he has done once or twice before-- he didn't shake my hand. The other times this happened, as with this time, the session ended in a hectic way. I felt suicidal at the end, and we talked about that. Do you think that could make him feel negative feelings, maybe even make him feel separated from me so that he didnt' want to shake my hand? Or maybe it was a kind of negative punishment or discouragement: "don't threaten suicide-- if you do, we aren't as close." I don't know...maybe I am reading into it. But those feelings come and go. They were strong last session, but aren't always present.
This is the end of the thread.
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