Posted by Annabelle Smith on March 21, 2011, at 17:31:29
In reply to Re: in chaos, posted by pegasus on March 15, 2011, at 10:07:20
Thanks, Peg. I have read over your post several times now and found your words really helpful. I actually took it with me to my session last week, but as usual, with all of the other things that I bring in, did not pull it out.
But I think you are right. I think this therapeutic relationship here is worth an infinite amount-- it's something that even the 'best' program in the world couldn't give me.
I am leaning-- 90%-- towards staying here. I would be here for three more years. That gives me so much time to do good work with my therapist. It should free me. Yet I still feel scared.
I begin to project and think: what if he doesn't want to work with me for that long? What if he doesn't think anything is wrong with me, that my issues are too small to work on for that long, that I don't need therapy? Maybe I am just afraid to commit to this relationship and open up. Maybe I am afraid of change. But this is what I want.
It is still chaotic, as I am still going back and forth in my head. I won't make my final decision until 2 weeks, as I will be visitin my other option next week to check it out, though I really don't plan to go there.
That's where it's at. I have a session on Wed-- about a day and a half away. I hope I don't f*ck it up by self-sabotage: dissociating and getting anxious.
Last session, when I left, my the left side of my body was numb and tingling. Also, he did something last time that he has done once or twice before-- he didn't shake my hand. The other times this happened, as with this time, the session ended in a hectic way. I felt suicidal at the end, and we talked about that. Do you think that could make him feel negative feelings, maybe even make him feel separated from me so that he didnt' want to shake my hand? Or maybe it was a kind of negative punishment or discouragement: "don't threaten suicide-- if you do, we aren't as close." I don't know...maybe I am reading into it. But those feelings come and go. They were strong last session, but aren't always present.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:980467
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/980859.html