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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LG04 on April 29, 2004, at 8:46:46
Hi, some of you may have read an earlier post I made where I explained that I am living abroad and was trying to decide whether to move back to the States or not, and how scared I am to leave my therapist here.
I have decided for many reasons to leave. But the pain of leaving my therapist is so intense, I almost feel the need to be hospitalized. I have been with 5 different therapists and have NEVER had the kind of relationship with someone that I have with her. The depth of trust and dependency I allowed myself to develop towards her is unprecedented in my life. I have made major strides with her, dealt with relationship issues that I have never dealt with, opened myself up and been heard and taken care of in ways that I have never been heard or taken care of before. I have never been as close with anyone as I am with her. She has changed my life.
In fact, there is a part of me that feels it was irresponsible of her to allow it (the dependency, though I'm not sure she could control it), since we always knew I was leaving. (any thoughts about that???)But I think I am looking for reasons to be mad at her (makes separation easier...but not really).
If I had decided to stay here, I probably would have stayed in therapy with her for at least 5 more years. Our relationship would have matured and I would have grown so much from it. Though it would have been very difficult because I don't have a good support system here...one of the main reasons I am returning home. I need more support from close friends to deal with the things I am dealing with.
Anyway I just don't know what to do with the depths of this pain. I feel like the best thing I have ever had in my life is ending. A lot of it is REAL, there is no question, we have a deep and strong connection with each other, she has told me that she has never had a relationship with a client like she has with me. But I know it's also transference b/c I sit there hysterical crying and dying for my mommy or daddy to come get me and protect me from bad things. (I was sexually abused as a child by my dad.) I feel like my mommy is being taken away, and with it, all that protection. My traumas are still very unresolved, clearly.
The thought of starting therapy with a new therapist absolutely kills me. I can't imagine it.
Have any of you had premature terminations with a therapist that you felt went well? What did your therapist do to help you get through it? What did you yourself do to help you get through it?
Anyway I just wanted to write to you all about this. I have about 2 1/2 more months before leaving this country (Israel) and returning home. I don't know how I am going to deal with our sessions (I see her twice a week...right now I feel like telling her I'll have one more session with her and that's it...but of course that's silly...it's just SOOOOOOOOOOO painful.)
Thanks,
LGp.s. We are going to work something out where I will be calling her from the States for a few months in order to help me with the transition...which is nice but obviously not the same. I will also be visiting Israel in the summers and I'm sure I'll see her then. We will stay in touch...that much is certain, unless for some reason I decide that it's not good for me.
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2004, at 10:11:24
In reply to Intense pain from upcoming termination, posted by LG04 on April 29, 2004, at 8:46:46
That was a difficult decision for you, but it sounds as if you made it in a mature way. I really admire that.
I always have difficulty in knowing what to say about premature termination, because it such a huge fear of mine. But I think you are lucky in that your therapist obviously cares about you and is willing to stay in touch. It's not a final goodbye. You have my sincere sympathies. I know how important therapists can be to us.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on April 29, 2004, at 17:04:21
In reply to Intense pain from upcoming termination, posted by LG04 on April 29, 2004, at 8:46:46
This may sounds silly but can you add email to those calls so you can taper the termination slower ?
Posted by rs on April 29, 2004, at 19:19:13
In reply to Intense pain from upcoming termination, posted by LG04 on April 29, 2004, at 8:46:46
So sorry that you are going through this. Will share from expereince. Was seeing the same T for about 6yrs once a week for some difficult stuff. Anyway he one day told me he would be moving to another state miles miles away. Had a month notice. Cried that day and many many after. The last session was awful. No nothing. Could not have any contact with him etc. Would never ever see or trust another T. The pain got easier. But still missed him much. Did not see another T for about 3yrs. Well at first hated him. But you know today he is the best. So so much better in many ways then the other T. Also did call old T a few weeks ago and he called back. Cried the whole time and told him how wrong he was to have no contact etc. He agreed and said could call him anytime. New T knew called. Anyway honestly right now it seems to you like it will never go away but it does. Honestly. Will not lie to you and say you have easy days coming. They will not be but some day will. Yes today still miss old T in someway but you know if he was to come back would not choose him over this one. Please know I understand your pain right now. What makes it worse sometimes is that my last session was on my birthday. Good luck.
Posted by LG04 on April 30, 2004, at 1:33:21
In reply to Re: Intense pain from upcoming termination » LG04, posted by rs on April 29, 2004, at 19:19:13
Thank you for the responses. I feel totally lost without this therapist. I will definitely email her, there is no question about that, I email her now so I will definitely continue from the States. Transitions in general are so painful and disorienting and scary for me, I feel like I have nothing to hold on to. I feel like I am 2 years old again. I have been thinking today about going to the hospital for the weekend, I can hardly function. I don't want to but I don't know what else to do. I think I will go for a walk outside.
Thank you rs for your words, I am so sorry that your therapist wouldn't let you contact him. That is so wrong. I can only imagine the pain. You are very brave that eventually you went into therapy again. Your experience gives me hope.
I'm sure I will be needing to write to this board sometimes over the next two months for support...this is so painful for me.
Thanks again,
LG
Posted by rs on April 30, 2004, at 5:46:13
In reply to Re: Intense pain from upcoming termination, posted by LG04 on April 30, 2004, at 1:33:21
Again so sorry your going through this. Know I understand and feel for you. Please post to me anytime your would like. Hang in there.
Posted by toomuchpain on April 30, 2004, at 10:22:13
In reply to Re: Intense pain from upcoming termination » LG04, posted by rs on April 30, 2004, at 5:46:13
i would have to say that i have suffered from pain form termintion ... it does get better and ur so lucky .. u can keep contact with ur former t which i cannot ...
i can say though that pain will go away and it will not be so hard .. it took a few months afterwards to really feel relief from the pain ..
yes.. i still feel that i miss him and there are times that i can not go on but in the end i know that i ll be ok without him .. i am just thankful for the times we did have and that he helped me in so many ways ...
Posted by shadows721 on May 1, 2004, at 1:09:09
In reply to Intense pain from upcoming termination, posted by LG04 on April 29, 2004, at 8:46:46
I can totally understand what you are saying. I don't think it's just the t. It's the whole situation. That little girl inside is really scared. This is so understandable. What would make that small one inside feel safer? Can the t give you something to hold and keep? People can be physically separated, but not spiritually. Remember that.
Posted by lonelygirl on May 1, 2004, at 13:55:39
In reply to Intense pain from upcoming termination, posted by LG04 on April 29, 2004, at 8:46:46
Hi LG... I guess we have a couple of things in common: we have the same initials and we are both terminating due to an upcoming move (I am graduating from college in 2 weeks and moving across the country, and will no longer be able to see my psychologist from the school health center).
For the past several weeks, I have thought about it frequently. I probably cry about it almost every day. Like you, I have been to several different psychologists and psychiatrists, and none have affected me like this one has. Losing him is a huge loss to me. And, like you, I feel like our work was not done; I think he could have helped me more if we had more time. I don't think that I can ever go to another therapist, for many reasons, including that no one could measure up to him.
You're fortunate that you can call and e-mail her, because I will not have that privilege with mine, as only current students are eligible for services at the student health center.
So, now you know I empathize with your pain... but I'm afraid I can't give you much advice. The only thing I can offer is that you will clearly have some benefits from making the move. You have decided that, despite the huge loss you are facing from moving and losing your therapist, you have enough to gain from your move to make it worthwhile. (Haha, sounds like a CBT thing -- did you make a cost-benefit table??) For me, I am graduating from college, getting a degree, finishing school, and (I hope) starting my life as an adult. All of this requires me to give up my psychologist, but that doesn't take away from what I am gaining.
One more thing, about your decision -- it looks like you have made the right decision about moving, and probably even more than you can realize right now. The emotional things (like the pain of losing your therapist) can cloud your judgment and perhaps figure in to your decisions more than they should. You show strength by making this decision (one way that you and I differ is that I didn’t really have much of a decision to make, so I didn’t really have to overcome that). If you made this decision even considering this emotional aspect, there must be a lot going for the move. Maybe once you actually make the move and you actually start experiencing the benefits of the move, it will be even better than you expected, and you will be glad that you didn’t let your attachment to your therapist hold you back from what was ultimately the right decision.
Posted by fallsfall on May 1, 2004, at 17:01:33
In reply to Re: Intense pain from upcoming termination » LG04, posted by lonelygirl on May 1, 2004, at 13:55:39
Lonely,
Have you talked to your therapist about feeling that you could not see a different therapist in the future? If you haven't, I think it could be a valuable conversation.
Falls.
This is the end of the thread.
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