Posted by LG04 on April 29, 2004, at 8:46:46
Hi, some of you may have read an earlier post I made where I explained that I am living abroad and was trying to decide whether to move back to the States or not, and how scared I am to leave my therapist here.
I have decided for many reasons to leave. But the pain of leaving my therapist is so intense, I almost feel the need to be hospitalized. I have been with 5 different therapists and have NEVER had the kind of relationship with someone that I have with her. The depth of trust and dependency I allowed myself to develop towards her is unprecedented in my life. I have made major strides with her, dealt with relationship issues that I have never dealt with, opened myself up and been heard and taken care of in ways that I have never been heard or taken care of before. I have never been as close with anyone as I am with her. She has changed my life.
In fact, there is a part of me that feels it was irresponsible of her to allow it (the dependency, though I'm not sure she could control it), since we always knew I was leaving. (any thoughts about that???)But I think I am looking for reasons to be mad at her (makes separation easier...but not really).
If I had decided to stay here, I probably would have stayed in therapy with her for at least 5 more years. Our relationship would have matured and I would have grown so much from it. Though it would have been very difficult because I don't have a good support system here...one of the main reasons I am returning home. I need more support from close friends to deal with the things I am dealing with.
Anyway I just don't know what to do with the depths of this pain. I feel like the best thing I have ever had in my life is ending. A lot of it is REAL, there is no question, we have a deep and strong connection with each other, she has told me that she has never had a relationship with a client like she has with me. But I know it's also transference b/c I sit there hysterical crying and dying for my mommy or daddy to come get me and protect me from bad things. (I was sexually abused as a child by my dad.) I feel like my mommy is being taken away, and with it, all that protection. My traumas are still very unresolved, clearly.
The thought of starting therapy with a new therapist absolutely kills me. I can't imagine it.
Have any of you had premature terminations with a therapist that you felt went well? What did your therapist do to help you get through it? What did you yourself do to help you get through it?
Anyway I just wanted to write to you all about this. I have about 2 1/2 more months before leaving this country (Israel) and returning home. I don't know how I am going to deal with our sessions (I see her twice a week...right now I feel like telling her I'll have one more session with her and that's it...but of course that's silly...it's just SOOOOOOOOOOO painful.)
Thanks,
LGp.s. We are going to work something out where I will be calling her from the States for a few months in order to help me with the transition...which is nice but obviously not the same. I will also be visiting Israel in the summers and I'm sure I'll see her then. We will stay in touch...that much is certain, unless for some reason I decide that it's not good for me.
poster:LG04
thread:341241
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040426/msgs/341241.html