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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 22, 2006, at 23:03:52
I just watched Transamerica with my husband. I didn't cry at the movie. But afterwards, we were just sitting on the couch, and I was looking at him, and thinking how nice he is, and how cute, and how considerate and funny, and amusing. I was thinking about what a rare gift it is to have people love you for who you ARE, not for who they WANT to you to be. And I just started crying, because I don't ever want him to go away. And then I started crying even harder because I know that being around him makes me feel better about myself. There's not anything that I am afraid of asking him, or telling him. (including, phillipa, the fact that I have psycho-babble buddies like yourself, and curtm and countless others, who are scattered around the country and the world, but share words and lives with me on these vanilla screens). And I realized that I have come a very long ways from being a 20 year-old, terrified of spending the rest of her life as a lonely wart on the margins of society, trying to fit in where nobody thinks twice about her. And how good it feels to have someone there, someone who understands me, and likes the squishy tummy, and who I can ask about the bad stuff that has happened in my life. Someone to forgive me when I hurt him, and someone to think about when I want to hurt myself. Geez. I'm a mess. can't stop the tears from coming. Why do I deserve him? I can't figure it out. I *know* that I'm not like others, and he likes me anyways (or maybe BECAUSE of my quirks). Why is this so scary?
I don't want to lose him. He's not in danger, but I just worry about this all of a sudden, because maybe it's not inevitable that we found each other. What if? Why am I thinking about this stuff? He's healthy (healthier than I am). He's not going anywhere. Why am I thinking about this stuff. I think I better go hug him again. He thinks I'm strange. I already told him this stuff, and he just laughed at me, and then hugged me and told me I was psycho (which made me laugh some more) and now I can still smell him, and I'm starting to cry again. But they are happy tears. Do ANY of you know what this is like? I am so confused.
-ll
Posted by finelinebob on August 23, 2006, at 0:41:00
In reply to Why am I weeping?, posted by llrrrpp on August 22, 2006, at 23:03:52
Maybe it's because you're safe and loved, and being safe and loved allows you to let go of all the fears you've had to keep locked down so tight over all the years or else you'd be overwhelmed by them.
But now, being safe and loved, you can start to let go of them. You've survived them. You beat them. They can't hurt you anymore than they already have unless you let them, so just shed one tear for each one and let them go. It may be scary as you unlock them, but let the fear get washed away.
And smile because, being safe and loved, you've won.
Sounds like unconditional love to me, from your husband, or dang near it. Been thinking a lot about that lately myself. It's hard to understand because we live in a society where some quid quo pro is expected. But unconditional means "without conditions". Really. It's a gift truly given, so don't start adding up your "debt" -- there is none. Sounds like you want to give to him in the same way. Love without a scorecard. What a wonderful thing to share.
Posted by crazy teresa on August 23, 2006, at 9:07:58
In reply to Why am I weeping?, posted by llrrrpp on August 22, 2006, at 23:03:52
I feel the same way a lot of the time. My guess is that it's out of the fear that the best thing in my life will suddenly disappear...
The book "Captivating" addresses this beautifully.
Posted by Phillipa on August 23, 2006, at 23:23:11
In reply to Why am I weeping?, posted by llrrrpp on August 22, 2006, at 23:03:52
Lurpsie I do understand. I really do. While the two of you are together love each other with a passion. And he will be safe and so will you. you know how to reach me. Love Phillipa and give him a kiss and a hug for loving my friend lurpsie.
Posted by curtm on August 24, 2006, at 14:49:07
In reply to Why am I weeping?, posted by llrrrpp on August 22, 2006, at 23:03:52
finelinebob sure has a way with feelings and emotions, and I can say, as the dull harbinger of jibberish that I am, I agree with him wholeheartedly. Now muster a smile for him (DH) and all of us. :)
Posted by llrrrpp on August 24, 2006, at 18:23:38
In reply to Re: Why am I weeping? » llrrrpp, posted by finelinebob on August 23, 2006, at 0:41:00
> Maybe it's because you're safe and loved, and being safe and loved allows you to let go of all the fears you've had to keep locked down so tight over all the years or else you'd be overwhelmed by them.
>
> But now, being safe and loved, you can start to let go of them. You've survived them. You beat them. They can't hurt you anymore than they already have unless you let them, so just shed one tear for each one and let them go. It may be scary as you unlock them, but let the fear get washed away.
>
> And smile because, being safe and loved, you've won.
>
> Sounds like unconditional love to me, from your husband, or dang near it. Been thinking a lot about that lately myself. It's hard to understand because we live in a society where some quid quo pro is expected. But unconditional means "without conditions". Really. It's a gift truly given, so don't start adding up your "debt" -- there is none. Sounds like you want to give to him in the same way. Love without a scorecard. What a wonderful thing to share.Thanks flb, I think you're right. Is this what parents feel? When they look at their kids and don't want anything happening to their loved ones? I just don't get it. maybe I feel more love for husband than I ever felt for people in my family.
And phillipa and crazy Teresa and curtm, you are sweet too, for helping me see the happy side of weeping. love is love. no matter how silly (insane?) my reactions are sometimes.
I better talk about this with my T. I think it's kind of complicated, and I'm not sure how to interpret this. Also, I'm having a resurgance of somewhat negative self-esteem that is clouding a lot of my other emotions and feelings.Am I afraid of losing husband because I'm not *good enough* to get another great guy?
Am I afraid of losing husband because I'm not sure that I'm lovable? That he's smart enough to see through me and notice what a rotten person I am. (this is an extreme statement. I don't feel rotten at the moment, but I have been feeling this way more and more often lately).
Am I afraid of losing husband because I love him so much, and this is what healthy love feels like?
-ll
Posted by finelinebob on August 24, 2006, at 21:05:51
In reply to Re: Why am I weeping? Finelinebob, and others » finelinebob, posted by llrrrpp on August 24, 2006, at 18:23:38
> Am I afraid of losing husband because I'm not *good enough* to get another great guy?
You already got one. Not that you'd want to, but that's proof enough that you could.
> Am I afraid of losing husband because I'm not sure that I'm lovable? That he's smart enough to see through me and notice what a rotten person I am.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your husband apparently isn't THAT smart. Don't give him too much credit -- that'll just make him impossible to live with. ;^)
> Am I afraid of losing husband because I love him so much, and this is what healthy love feels like?
I can't speak from experience on this particular topic, but healthy people have insecurities. I think they accept the securities they receive more than the insecurities they invent, tho.
Posted by curtm on August 25, 2006, at 9:37:43
In reply to Re: Why am I weeping? Finelinebob, and others » llrrrpp, posted by finelinebob on August 24, 2006, at 21:05:51
>> I can't speak from experience on this particular topic, but healthy people have insecurities. I think they accept the securities they receive more than the insecurities they invent, tho.
My brain is stuck on the *expectation* thing today. ugh. I think the insecurities we invent are somehow closely tied to that. I want this, I don't get it, I become insecure. Again, giving without expectation will most likely produce a more clear and open YOU and you may find yourself the reciever of good things. But don't expect that.
Jost, everyone does have expectations and dissapointments, but I think how we relate to those two things will determine our secure/insecure status.
This is the end of the thread.
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