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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 10:40:14
My daughter is a great kid, always has been. Good grade, good friends, and pretty respectful. She doesn't have a lot of common sense - street smarts, sometimes has trouble setting boudaries with others, but generally has good judgement, even if she doesn't use it. Anyway, Friday she got to go to her first high school football game. (Today is her first day as a freshman) Before she left, she was wearing a spaghetti strap shirt that she wore all summer around the house, around her friends, and around her boyfriend - who I love and trust. Well, I told her she wasn't wearing it to the football game, and to go change. She's got an awesome figure, and she's well developed. I don't want ppl looking at her, and I know some will. I didn't see her again before she left. I trust her, and assumed she'd change. Her dad took her and her friends to the game, and I'd told him that I'd told her to change. I explained my reasoning, and he said he understood and agreed.
Later, when I was out with my other daughter, I found out she hadn't changed. I called my husband and asked him what happened, and he didn't have a reason. I was so mad I blasted him. I still think I was right her, so no point in disagreeing with me on this, he was an idiot to let her go after I'd told her to change.
When she got home she had a tee shirt on over the one I told her to change. She bought it at the game. I don't think she knew they'd have tee shirts. Anyway, I told her she'd made a bad choice and that she was grounded the next day. No big deal, but she made it into a federal case, and said that I didn't trust her, that she had every intention of buying a tee shirt to put over the one I told her to change, and that I can't protect her from ppl looking at her.
How much freedom do you give your teens? I do trust her, and I don't want this to be a terrible phase for all of us. I think she has no idea how scary things can be out there, do I let her find out on her own, w/in limits? Her dad and I did decide no decisions are made w/o consulting the other. Geesh!
fw
Posted by lynn970 on August 29, 2005, at 12:30:27
In reply to Teen traumas husband hassles, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 10:40:14
I think that you did very well. She needs to know that she cannot abuse your trust. Part of you trusting her is based on her obeying you - right? Hang in there! I would have done the same thing as you in this situation.
It is also important that moms and dads stick together on decisions concerning the child(ren).
Posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 13:15:26
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles, posted by lynn970 on August 29, 2005, at 12:30:27
Thanks Lynn, it's nice to be validated.
fw
Posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2005, at 1:13:24
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles » lynn970, posted by fairywings on August 29, 2005, at 13:15:26
I agree with what has been said about breaking trust...
But then about why you didn't want her wearing that...
Maybe talk to her about that?
I mean... Its just the start really. Then there are going to be more stuff around what she wants to wear and makeup and parties etc etc...
And if you can get a dialogue going now then those things will be much easier to deal with later.
Maybe there is some sort of comprimise or something like that.
(Maybe there would have been something else you could have both agreed on?)
Posted by fairywings on September 1, 2005, at 6:53:38
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles » fairywings, posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2005, at 1:13:24
Yeah, I did talk to her about why I didn't want her to wear it before she left and then again when she got home. I'm very good about trusting her, her friends, and her boyfriend, and she has lots of freedom. I think the problem is she doesn't see how good she has it yet, and she does the whole, but so and so is allowed to ....
We have good communication, and you're right, that's what I want to keep going. I have to pull back because I tend to be controlling, her dad's more laid back, so I have to let him take the reins more - but not when it comes to clothes!Thanks Alex
Posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2005, at 18:01:14
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles » alexandra_k, posted by fairywings on September 1, 2005, at 6:53:38
> Yeah, I did talk to her about why I didn't want her to wear it before she left and then again when she got home.
Yeah. Sounds like she didn't really take your point before she left though...
Do you think she got it when she got home???
I mean...
Trust is one issue. And if she promises you something (like that she is going to change) and then she doesn't then thats not acceptable.
But another issue is the limits of what she can and cannot do.And clothes are tricky...
They are a really personal thing.
Especially for kids.
Especially for kids working out who they are.
Their identity.
The kinds of responses / reactions they get from others
The kinds of responses / reactions they want to get from othersIt may be...
That you are right.
If she goes out wearing that then all sorts of guys will oggle at her.
If you draw her attention to that then she might take notice and not feel so good about all sorts of guys oggling at her.
And so... She might not want to do that again.And then you don't have to worry about her breaking your trust over that issue again.
Or it may be...
That so very many kids her age wear things like that that she just blends into the crowd...Maybe you need to trust her a little too...
Especially about something so personal as clothes.
Maybe you guys can figure out a comprimise.
Otherwise...
I anticipate many years of changing once out of sight.
But then maybe I'm thinking of me
And there is no way in hell I'd let another person tell me what I can and can't wear.But I'm very strong willed.
And I don't have kids.
Posted by fairywings on September 1, 2005, at 19:22:27
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles » fairywings, posted by alexandra_k on September 1, 2005, at 18:01:14
Thanks Alex,
She's usually really good about clothes, and trust. I don't know why this was such an issue to her, maybe because she's now in high school and needs to feel more independent. She sees the girls who dress slutty or goth and she hates it, so hopefully she'll keep a good head.
fw
Posted by happyflower on September 7, 2005, at 17:32:34
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles, posted by fairywings on September 1, 2005, at 19:22:27
Hi! I think you handled it well for her first offense. She is testing you. A lot of great kids will all of sudden do something out of the ordinary for them to see what they can get away with it especailly at that age. I would still keep an eye on her, even if you do trust her, keep in mind most parents don't really know what their kids are doing.
Some of my best friends in school had their parents so snowed. They were on the honor roll, good kids in all, but they partied like I have never seen even in college. Did they lie to their parents, of course! Did their parents know? NO! They thought since they were such good students and so honest with them that their kids would never do that kind of stuff.
I think if this happened to my daughter I would have been sticter on her punishment for disobeying me. I would of not let her go to the next home game, or something she would really miss. I would make her earn back the trust she was given freely. Maybe like reduce her curfew time for the next month. Make it really hurt so she will think before she lies again.
One thing I do see is that she sees she can get away with things with dad more easily. Kids are good at figureing it out. I am surprised that your DH didn't support you on your decision. Most fathers don't want people looking at their daughters in sexual ways. Wearing clothes that show off their assets isn't a good idea especailly being so young. Will she be able to handle the unwanted advances that she might get because of the way she is dressing? I know this isn't the way it should be, but a lot of boys and men see a young girl dressed in a provocative way, think she is "available" or loose. I don't like this, but is what a lot people think, but I can't help what others think.
She is at the exact age that my stepdaughter started to act out. She had her mom snowed too. Her mom thought since she was an A student, had a lot of friends, activiites, and haven't done anything wrong before, that she could always trust her. But in my view, she was trusted way too much. Because behind her parents back, she was drinking, having sex and everything. Did her mom know, no, she thought she was going places to study and thought she was a virgin. Well mom was very surprised at her bridal shower when all the friends were talking about the good old times. She didn't have a clue about her daughter. It is okay to trust your daugher but keep in mind she might not always be so innocent. She is already starting to play you and your DH against each other. She is lying about saying she was going to change and then lying again saying she was going to buy a t-shirt. Please see this as warning to you. This is how is gets started, little by little.I am not saying that your daughter will do the same thing, but just keep in mind, kids are good at deceiving, especailly the really smart ones. Good luck, I am not looking forward to when my daughter hits that age. :)
Posted by fairywings on September 7, 2005, at 17:42:49
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles, posted by happyflower on September 7, 2005, at 17:32:34
Hi Happy,
I don't think she was testing me. She has CAPD, and it's kind of the way she is. I have to really listen to what she's heard, and I can always tell if she's truthful, which she usually is. It's hard, parenting is hard, being a teen is hard, keeping those lines of communication open is hard. My DH knows better than to ever do something so stupid again, at least let's hope so, but he is more rational when it comes to these thing, I think.
thanks,
fw
Posted by stresser on September 9, 2005, at 18:15:10
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles, posted by happyflower on September 7, 2005, at 17:32:34
Have you thought about getting involved with some subbing and or some type of work that would involve being at school? I did that and it was the smartest thing I could have done. I know ALL of the kids, and WHAT they do. They actually tell me, show me pictures and everything! (of them drinking, smoking, etc.) My daughter is a Senior, and it hasn't hurt her in the least. She really doesn't drink or smoke at all, but I have told her friends that if they do drink too much, to call me and I will drive them home WITHOUT telling anyone. That keeps everyone safe, and your kids trusting you, along with the students as well. I have not caught my daughter in a lie to this date, (this year just started) so wish me luck. We have our troubles, that's for sure, but not no lies to speak of. My son in only 13....may be a different story!!!! -L To be continued....
Posted by fairywings on September 9, 2005, at 20:44:46
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles, posted by stresser on September 9, 2005, at 18:15:10
thanks stresser, have a 2 yr old at home and am going back to school myself, so i won't be able to work at the school, but her friends are here a lot. i just took all the girls shopping for homecoming dresses. most of her friends like me and trust me, feel comfortable with me. the only one who doesn't, it's because her mom has emotionally abused her and she just doesn't trust adults. she's so much like i was at her age!
anyway, i have told my daughter if she's drinking, or if friends are, call, no questions asked, and i'll pick her up, anytime, anyplace. she knows i'm good for it. she's only 15, has never had a drink, but she knows that i am not an idiot, i know that at some point between now and when she's who knows how old, she'll try it. i've told her, i'd prefer it's at home, but if not, i'm here, her dad's here, call us. she knows we want her safe, first and foremost.
fw
Posted by med_empowered on October 21, 2005, at 13:27:24
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles, posted by stresser on September 9, 2005, at 18:15:10
hey..to fairywings..I'm not a parent, but I was a teenager fairly recently (I'm 21)...I think you did the right thing. Its good to set some sort of line, but at the same time keep an even keel, be a little bit laid back, and generally avoid dramatizing any situation--that just feeds the flames. And with the drinking thing...again, good idea. WhenI was in high school, I did dabble in pot and what not a bit (never a major problem), and one of my friends had parents who would (gasp) let us smoke up at their house and drink and what not. It struck me as crazy, at first...kids walking into the house, lit cigarettes and beers in hand. But then I saw the point of it all: first of all, pot was the hardest drug that we were allowed to use...all the kids followed that rule, because they respected the parents allowing us to party at their place at all. Then..if anyone got too smashed to drive or got sick, whatever, the parents were there...people could spend the night if they wanted or get rides home. On one occasion a kid did develop alcohol poisoning...that could have proven tragic, since usually teens would just hide their friend away from their parents...but in this case, it was fine. The mom was a nurse, so she checked the kid out, called some people at the hospital where she worked, and got him proper medical attention. Again--an important lesson in dealing with anyone, especially teenagers-- MINIMIZE the drama. When parents control themselves, the kids are more likely to keep themselves more or less under control, and the whole situation can be resolved with minimal fuss.
Posted by fairywings on October 22, 2005, at 9:12:33
In reply to Re: Teen traumas husband hassles, posted by med_empowered on October 21, 2005, at 13:27:24
thanks med, i tend to react to things, so i do have to watch the drama, but i also tend to be pretty realistic when it comes to knowing what to expect and not getting mad about things. thanks for your input, it all helps.
fw
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