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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kellyR. on July 15, 2000, at 23:01:32
It has been 18yrs since my father got himself killed,I was 10yrs old my father was out of jail,he was living w/ his parents because my parents got a divores when i was two,he came to visit alote and stayed for a week or two til my mom & dad would get into a fight & the cops would come,then we couldn't see him or talk to him because of my mother. I can remember sitting on the rocks down by the beach w/ him just looking at the waves coming in, not saying anything just happy to be w/ him.after things calmed down she would let him come back over,til the samething would happen again this went on for a year,He even called on my mother for child abuse but they didn't beleive him, they thought that he was making it up (but it was true).
I can remember the phone call that i got from my dad like it was yesterday,He called to ask if i would like to live w/ him because he had kicked his parents out of the house so there was lotes of room.At the time i was talking to him i didn't know that the cops where out sided the house tring to get him to come out,he was on hard drugs at the time,so when i said i have to ask first,but i really wanted to say was yes,but to scared of my mother.so on June 21,1982 at 3am (father's day) the cops when in the back door & saw him standing in the dark w/ a knife that they thought was a gun & started shouting,he was dead.
When i came home from school the next day i was told about what had happen to him,I didn't cry or beleive it.A month later his friend came over the house to give us this drawing that my father had done, It was big & had lote of things going on,everything that happen in his life,& how he was going to kill himself.
I still miss him & wish i could be w/ him.If only i would of said yes,he might of not died. Just need to share,thank you
Posted by Sara T on July 16, 2000, at 2:15:18
In reply to WHY???????(long), posted by kellyR. on July 15, 2000, at 23:01:32
> It has been 18yrs since my father got himself killed,I was 10yrs old my father was out of jail,he was living w/ his parents because my parents got a divores when i was two,he came to visit alote and stayed for a week or two til my mom & dad would get into a fight & the cops would come,then we couldn't see him or talk to him because of my mother. I can remember sitting on the rocks down by the beach w/ him just looking at the waves coming in, not saying anything just happy to be w/ him.after things calmed down she would let him come back over,til the samething would happen again this went on for a year,He even called on my mother for child abuse but they didn't beleive him, they thought that he was making it up (but it was true).
> I can remember the phone call that i got from my dad like it was yesterday,He called to ask if i would like to live w/ him because he had kicked his parents out of the house so there was lotes of room.At the time i was talking to him i didn't know that the cops where out sided the house tring to get him to come out,he was on hard drugs at the time,so when i said i have to ask first,but i really wanted to say was yes,but to scared of my mother.so on June 21,1982 at 3am (father's day) the cops when in the back door & saw him standing in the dark w/ a knife that they thought was a gun & started shouting,he was dead.
> When i came home from school the next day i was told about what had happen to him,I didn't cry or beleive it.A month later his friend came over the house to give us this drawing that my father had done, It was big & had lote of things going on,everything that happen in his life,& how he was going to kill himself.
> I still miss him & wish i could be w/ him.If only i would of said yes,he might of not died. Just need to share,thank youKelly-
How awful for you. Please accept a cyberhug from me ((((((Kelly))))))). It can't erase the pain but I hope it brings you some warmth.Sara T.
Posted by noa on July 17, 2000, at 7:06:09
In reply to Re: WHY???????(long) » kellyR., posted by Sara T on July 16, 2000, at 2:15:18
Wow, Kelly. What a tragedy.
Thank you for telling us.
Though I know it is normal to feel like you could have done something to save him, even though you couldn't, I am going to say this anyway:YOU COULDN'T. He apparently had planned to get himself killed. It sounds like it had nothing to do with your response to him on the phone.
It is so sad that you had to endure so much pain.
Posted by Kath on July 17, 2000, at 20:30:03
In reply to WHY???????(long), posted by kellyR. on July 15, 2000, at 23:01:32
Hi Kelly - I'm so sorry you had to endure such pain as a child & that you are still in such pain. Please don't blame yourself for you Dad's death. It was probably wonderful for him to just hear your voice. If you need to talk about it more, please go right ahead. There are people here who care for you alot & support you. Please let us know how you're doing over the next few days. I'll be away from tomorrow 'til Thursday nite, but I'll check in on Friday. Do take care of yourself.
Warm thoughts, Kath
Posted by Cindy W on July 17, 2000, at 21:08:08
In reply to Re: WHY???????(long), posted by noa on July 17, 2000, at 7:06:09
> Wow, Kelly. What a tragedy.
>
> Thank you for telling us.
>
> Though I know it is normal to feel like you could have done something to save him, even though you couldn't, I am going to say this anyway:YOU COULDN'T. He apparently had planned to get himself killed. It sounds like it had nothing to do with your response to him on the phone.
>
> It is so sad that you had to endure so much pain.
Kelly, I agree with Noa that there is nothing you could have done differently which would have saved your father. The story is really very sad. I had a friend (psychiatrist) who killed himself about a year ago, and I know that I could not have stopped him. Still, I know how hard it is, missing somebody you care about, and thinking, "what if..."
Posted by kellyR. on July 17, 2000, at 21:31:00
In reply to Re: WHY???????(long), posted by noa on July 17, 2000, at 7:06:09
> Wow, Kelly. What a tragedy.
>
> Thank you for telling us.
>
> Though I know it is normal to feel like you could have done something to save him, even though you couldn't, I am going to say this anyway:YOU COULDN'T. He apparently had planned to get himself killed. It sounds like it had nothing to do with your response to him on the phone.
>
> It is so sad that you had to endure so much pain.thank you all for caring,i keep telling myself that it wasn't my doing but it sometimes hard to beleive myself.my dr. keeps asking me to tell him about the day he died,i think he's trying to make be beleive that it wasn't my fault.i think about him alote around this time,what it would of been like if he was still alive,he never got to see me get married,see any of my kids,& see that my mother is now sober for 10yrs. now.i see my dr. this thursday so i geuss that well be talking about this again.I'm so srewed up that i've been seeing this dr. now for 4 1/2 yrs & still going everyother week.but i shouldn't complain he is helping.
Posted by Kath on July 18, 2000, at 9:51:47
In reply to Re: WHY???????(long), posted by kellyR. on July 17, 2000, at 21:31:00
> > Wow, Kelly. What a tragedy.
> >
> > Thank you for telling us.
> >
> > Though I know it is normal to feel like you could have done something to save him, even though you couldn't, I am going to say this anyway:YOU COULDN'T. He apparently had planned to get himself killed. It sounds like it had nothing to do with your response to him on the phone.
> >
> > It is so sad that you had to endure so much pain.
>
> thank you all for caring,i keep telling myself that it wasn't my doing but it sometimes hard to beleive myself.my dr. keeps asking me to tell him about the day he died,i think he's trying to make be beleive that it wasn't my fault.i think about him alote around this time,what it would of been like if he was still alive,he never got to see me get married,see any of my kids,& see that my mother is now sober for 10yrs. now.i see my dr. this thursday so i geuss that well be talking about this again.I'm so srewed up that i've been seeing this dr. now for 4 1/2 yrs & still going everyother week.but i shouldn't complain he is helping.
Hi Kelly - Thx so much for posting again. My Mom died at 54 of breast cancer & my Dad died at 56 a couple of years later of silicosis (he worked where they made Old Dutch Cleanser & they use silica powder in that & it got in his lungs & stayed there). Although I do not have the terrible situation of them having killed themselves, I do relate to the grief about them not seeing me grow up & not getting to see my children & also my children not having met their grandparents on my side of the family. It isn't something that really goes away. You have, however, found a doctor who you like & who is helping you & that is wonderful. Congrats for taking care of yourself in this way!!! Who cares how long it takes! I went to a psychiatrist for 3 years while I was heading towards & going through the divorce from my first husband. Our healing takes its own time; be gentle with yourself.
You're in my thoughts & prayers. I'm away 'til Friday; will check in then to see if you've posted again.Warm thoughts, Kath
Posted by noa on July 18, 2000, at 15:26:08
In reply to Re: WHY???????(long), posted by kellyR. on July 17, 2000, at 21:31:00
One of the ways to deal with trauma is to talk about what happened. Sometimes, talking about it over and over and over. Somehow, the words can help build power over the feelings that have been locked up inside.
But if it is retraumatizing you to talk about it, tell your doctor how you feel. Talk about the experience of talking about what happened. That is important, too.
Keep us posted.
Posted by shar on July 18, 2000, at 16:39:30
In reply to Re: WHY???????(long), posted by noa on July 18, 2000, at 15:26:08
I agree with Noa. The trauma you experienced is still affecting your life, and still needs to be addressed in some way. Wrapped up in the awful guilt you said you sometimes felt, is the pure grief you probably experience at losing your dad.
Those are very powerful forces to be reckoned with! I encourage you to be proud of yourself and acknowledge your progress, and the courage it takes to work at these issues.
I've been in therapy a long time, lost my dad at 14 and that has always been one of the central issues I have to work on. I felt my heart was broken, really broken. I've made progress. It will take as long as it takes, and there is no shame in taking as long as it takes. I am in therapy now (again), and may just always be sort of in and out with it.
I hope you will not feel badly anymore about it taking so "long." You've probably heard therapy compared to the layers of an onion--you get one issue worked out and find out there is another beneath it. Maybe you will have a really little onion! (I think mine is as big as my car!)
Good luck to you! You have my admiration for facing this head on and doing something about it which will improve your life.
Shar
> One of the ways to deal with trauma is to talk about what happened. Sometimes, talking about it over and over and over. Somehow, the words can help build power over the feelings that have been locked up inside.
>
> But if it is retraumatizing you to talk about it, tell your doctor how you feel. Talk about the experience of talking about what happened. That is important, too.
>
> Keep us posted.
Posted by kellyR. on July 18, 2000, at 19:49:07
In reply to Re: WHY???????(long), posted by shar on July 18, 2000, at 16:39:30
> I agree with Noa. The trauma you experienced is still affecting your life, and still needs to be addressed in some way. Wrapped up in the awful guilt you said you sometimes felt, is the pure grief you probably experience at losing your dad.
>
> Those are very powerful forces to be reckoned with! I encourage you to be proud of yourself and acknowledge your progress, and the courage it takes to work at these issues.
>
> I've been in therapy a long time, lost my dad at 14 and that has always been one of the central issues I have to work on. I felt my heart was broken, really broken. I've made progress. It will take as long as it takes, and there is no shame in taking as long as it takes. I am in therapy now (again), and may just always be sort of in and out with it.
>
> I hope you will not feel badly anymore about it taking so "long." You've probably heard therapy compared to the layers of an onion--you get one issue worked out and find out there is another beneath it. Maybe you will have a really little onion! (I think mine is as big as my car!)
>
> Good luck to you! You have my admiration for facing this head on and doing something about it which will improve your life.
>
> Shar
>
>
> > One of the ways to deal with trauma is to talk about what happened. Sometimes, talking about it over and over and over. Somehow, the words can help build power over the feelings that have been locked up inside.
> >
> > But if it is retraumatizing you to talk about it, tell your doctor how you feel. Talk about the experience of talking about what happened. That is important, too.
> >
> > Keep us posted.It's not just one problem i have too deal w/ there are so many that i've only just started to peel the top layer of skin off,not down to the part of the onion that makes you cry.I've had been though so much pain to last a life time,being beating by my mother almost everyday,she had sex w/ some guy from the bar in my bed why i was in it, i tried to get out but fell between the bed & wall,I was 9yrs old at the time. My neighbor sexally abuse me for 6-7 yrs,I was rapped by my best friends brother when i was 18yrs old,I couldn't do anything about he because i was high on coke & drinking they said that if i tried to go to court over it that they would make it my fault,& the dr. i was seeing at the time even said it was my fault because i was drink & doing drugs.After see said that i went home & took all my meds & went to sleep,wake up the next day couldn't move & all i heard was screaming & a helicopter in my room i thought i died & when to hell.It took three days to get better & my granma that i was living w/ at the time thought i had
the flu. When i talk about these stuff w/ my pdoc he say that i show no emotions to it,like i was a blank page.(can't peel it make onion rings).
Posted by shar on July 18, 2000, at 22:34:35
In reply to one big onion too peel » shar, posted by kellyR. on July 18, 2000, at 19:49:07
You have a lot on your plate for one so young. It really saddens me that nobody protected you, or took care of you when you were young. It hurts very much, and it can really make someone feel hopeless.
I hope you will keep posting here at this site. There are so many caring people here, and people with similar experiences, and people who are happy that you are here. Big onions, little onions, we've got 'em!
I will keep you in my prayers, think of you and send blessings your way often. You had to be very strong to withstand all the things that happened to that little girl. Now you have the strong You to help the scared You. All in good time.
Soon enough, you will show an emotion. You won't stay a blank page forever. You are striving for the better life you can give yourself now. You are Strong and Courageous, and also want to be sure it is Safe to open up. That will come.
Take it slow and easy. That onion will open when it is the right time. For now, just focus on honoring yourself as much as possible.
You are a survivor! Welcome home!
Blessings,
Shar
Posted by Cass on July 19, 2000, at 0:43:49
In reply to Re: WHY???????(long), posted by Cindy W on July 17, 2000, at 21:08:08
Hi Kelly,
There is a lot of tragedy and trauma in my family background, too. Psychological abuse and neglect, physical abuse and neglect. Eventually, my father murdered his wife. Although that was the most publicized tragedy in our family, our family life had always been extremely unhealthy. It wasn't that all the sudden something went wrong in a loving family. I'm sure some people would like to think of it that way. It all seems incredibly senseless. I go over things in my head and ask the same question you do, "Why???" You obviously recognize how unhealthy your childhood enviroment was, and that is a credit to your sensibilities. My pdoc has pointed out that many people don't recognize how unhealthy their backgrounds were, and go on to repeat the same behavior. You are not one of those people. It is obvious to me. Your honesty in relating your story speaks well of your integrity. Your pain reminds me of my own, and I'd just like you to know that you seem to be a person on the right track. Keep on talking about it. Everything will be okay.
Good wishes,
Cass
Posted by noa on July 19, 2000, at 16:21:38
In reply to Re: WHY???????(long) KellyR., posted by Cass on July 19, 2000, at 0:43:49
Kelly, I can't add anything to what Cass and Shar said, because they said it so well.
Just know that we care about you, and remember to go at a pace that is right for you.
This is the end of the thread.
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