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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 41. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 19:28:53
I know this subject has come up before - just looking for support. :)
I cannot help questioning the current lack of communication in a friendship. I am concerned it may be due to this friend growing tired of my needs these past few months regarding my meds and my emotional "awakenings" as I discover more about Bipolar Disorder and what it means in my life.
I'm a very closed person naturally, so this quest to "open up" has been difficult as is, and the fear that someone will run away once I do expose myself, I suppose is natural.
Do any of you all feel this way? This friend has been very receptive until recently.
Thanks...
- K.
Posted by dreamer on August 1, 2001, at 19:48:30
In reply to Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 19:28:53
> I know this subject has come up before - just looking for support. :)
>
> I cannot help questioning the current lack of communication in a friendship. I am concerned it may be due to this friend growing tired of my needs these past few months regarding my meds and my emotional "awakenings" as I discover more about Bipolar Disorder and what it means in my life.
>
> I'm a very closed person naturally, so this quest to "open up" has been difficult as is, and the fear that someone will run away once I do expose myself, I suppose is natural.
>
> Do any of you all feel this way? This friend has been very receptive until recently.
>
> Thanks...
>
> - K.`emotional awakenings -like that, new territory you'll find new friends going thru similar awakenings. A past friend of mine said she got tired of me talking bout meds etc, then again I grew tired of her and her waccy baccy.
New horizons, be yourself.
Did you catch that cyber kiss I just threw your way?
Posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 20:13:58
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Kingfish, posted by dreamer on August 1, 2001, at 19:48:30
Thank you for the cyber kiss - I think it fell a bit short - must be the distance (I'm in NY). ;)
What's "waccy baccy"?
I made a decision last spring to become quite selfish (hadn't thought much about myself before) and that has been both beneficial and detrimental. (I swear I can't spell anymore - I have no idea if that word is correct or not).
Got into some hot spots in my marriage because of it.
I think it's balancing out now, but I don't know.
Bound to lose some friendships, I know, but this one seemed so stable. It probably is. I think I'm being paranoid.
Sometimes my mind seems more muddled now than before... And sometimes I think I can control everyone's mind. (But those are the good days;) ).
Thanks for your post. :)
- K.
Posted by Willow on August 1, 2001, at 21:41:59
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » dreamer, posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 20:13:58
Kingfish
I use my psych as a sounding board for complaints regarding my syndrome. This helps me feel like I'm not dumping on friends. Unless it is something they've experienced I find talking to myself sometimes more helpful. But then sometimes an acquaintance will mention something like a family member suffering with depression (or anything similar) and I'll want to open up. All I'll say is imagine yourself without your mind, it is who you are. That's why this board is so good. Where else can I say I drive on the wrong side of the street sober?
I made a mistake at work the other week. Must have had a good weekend or spent too much time up in the clouds, and as a result I forgot to take my effexor. Monday morning they call me in for noon. I feel like I'm stoned and hungover for the first time all wrapped up together. Pretty crappy! Manage to get myself there and boss says something screwed up so I don't have to work. I reply that that's good because "I've messed up with the dosages of my meds and am really out of wack!" Wished I could have taken it back. Next time I'm at work I inquire if the air conditioning is on because it is so muggy in there. A co-worker replies that it could be the medication I'm on.
Okay here comes a spouse nag, sometimes when I go off on a tangent he'll ask when my next psych appointment is.
And totally off topic, my mom wonders why if we got one man on the moon why don't we put them all there???
Emotionally I have a problem with not being the person before all this happened. So keeping it out of relationships helps me.
Rambling Willow
Posted by Shar on August 1, 2001, at 21:46:05
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » dreamer, posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 20:13:58
Your post made me think of a couple of things.
As you said, you are bound to lose some friends just because the dynamic changes between you. (BTW I think being selfish in a good way is excellent.)
Second--well, is it really crucial to open up to your friend in the way you are? You might find that the friendship is stable and includes lots of things, but maybe talking about BP isn't one of them. It is probably worth approaching your friend and telling her what you feel (concerned about the friendship) and ask how she feels, and the two of you together can cook up a way to be close.
That is, if you and your friend are both open to being flexible about going where the friendship wants to go.
Good luck. Sounds like you are doing very well.
Shar
Posted by mila on August 1, 2001, at 23:00:40
In reply to Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 19:28:53
You know, Kingfish, the older I become the less I share. Partly, because my inner life becomes richer, partly because I care about my friends' welfare today more than i did before. I am learning to keep my mouth shut and let friend do the talk. Generally, keeping friendships on a lighter note works for me.
Maybe it's sad, I do not know. In some ways today I can go public with things I never considered possible to share before, in other ways, i refrain myself from sharing even with the loved ones the simple things from my life if i believe it wouldn't be interesting or exciting for them. Friendship for me today is more about going through the same experiences and being there with the person than about talking. Words just do not unite me with my friends as much as before, experiences do.
Congratulations with your awakening and opening up. This is great!
mila
Posted by dreamer on August 1, 2001, at 23:24:33
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » dreamer, posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 20:13:58
> Thank you for the cyber kiss - I think it fell a bit short - must be the distance (I'm in NY). ;)
>
> What's "waccy baccy"?> [Wow this is going to be hell to spell]-marahwana/mahriawana cannibas. Nothing against it friend just takes in xcess chain smoking it 12+ hours a day tooo much. Can't smoke it myself equivalent of LSD .
(I swear I can't spell anymore - I have no idea if that word is correct or not).
Same here!
Let me guess your'e on effexor?
Posted by kazoo on August 2, 2001, at 0:39:16
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Willow on August 1, 2001, at 21:41:59
> A co-worker replies that it could be the medication I'm on ...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^To which you should have replied: "What medication?"
If they repeat what you had inadvertently blabbed previously, you then say, "Oh, that! I have to take an aspirin a day to thin my blood."
That should end it.
If it doesn't, then I would say: "Shut your hole, honey, unless it's making money." (I'm assuming your co-worker is a female. For a male co-worker I would tell them to "Go piss up a rope and mind your own business.")
I realize that this may be vile, vulgar, crass and crude, and probably out of character for you, my dear Willow, but sometimes you have to resort to such things to "change small minds." ( Besides, re. these responses: what did you expect from someone born in Brooklyn, NY? Miss Manners?)
Kingfish: people come and go in the course of a lifetime ... set your sights on someone who will share with YOU the way you share with THEM. Sharing is good. It should be encouraged. And don't become selfish because you'll gravitate toward other selfish people, what a drag, and you'll get no where with anyone.
kazoo
Posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 6:49:17
In reply to Re: Willow and Kingfish, a response for each » Willow, posted by kazoo on August 2, 2001, at 0:39:16
> To which you should have replied: "What medication?"
> If they repeat what you had inadvertently blabbed previously, you then say, "Oh, that! I have to take an aspirin a day to thin my blood."Oh, but Kazoo that would be a lie and I'm easier to read than a book. I just let it pass. I may be younger but have learnt it is easier not to fight the current instead go with it. The ride is more fun too!
>
>And don't become selfish because you'll gravitate toward other selfish people, what a drag, and you'll get no where with anyone.Women need to be assertive about somethings. It doesn't mean that they are being selfish. Most men don't have a problem saying I want when others have desires, women will tend to satisfy other's needs before their own. So usually when one says she's being selfish all she is doing is saying "no" to another request or taking half an hour to soak in the tub.
Whispering Willow
>
> kazoo
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 8:37:10
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Willow on August 1, 2001, at 21:41:59
> First of all, how on earth do you work with three young children? I am impressed. I have not accomplished a thing over the last year, sans kids.
My husband has had a difficult time with this, as well. Only when he thought he would lose me, did he come around to talking about it. He used to think I was just being lazy and that he could cheer me out of moods, or that I just wasn't "growing up" when I was acting wild. When you don't have the support of the one you're closest to...
And he still doesn't understand why I take naps due to sedation from the medication. "Maybe if you just stay up all day, you'll sleep better at night." - Yeah, May-be!!
Your Mom is right, in a way (Sorry, guys, just ranting.)
I just found I couldn't keep it out of relationships because I realized how much a part of me it is, and I felt if others couldn't accept that, I didn't want them in my life. I had so much guilt built up about it, and that was the only way I could let it go.
But I think I went too far, and offered the info to too many people. I need to pull back again, and be wary, because I am a private person at heart and telling someone you don't know well that you're manic depressive isn't exactly a good way to break the ice. Puts them in a slightly awkward situation to say the least.
I got into an argument with one person who I mentioned it to, and she threw it back at me saying that I shouldn't go out in public if I had a disorder that caused me to act that way. I think I knew then that I had been too open at times.
- K.
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 8:39:04
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by mila on August 1, 2001, at 23:00:40
> Mila:
Thank you. I certainly understand about the listening part. I am a better listener than talker.
Please keep everyone updated about your cancer tests.
- K.
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 8:40:51
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Kingfish, posted by dreamer on August 1, 2001, at 23:24:33
You know, 'twas actually Topamax that initially robber me of my spelling ability, and me one of the best spellers in Weld County. Then, just as it got better, Prozac kicked in, muddling the letters up again. :(
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 8:42:47
In reply to Kazoo is wrong, wrong, on both accounts ..., posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 6:49:17
Yes, that is the type of selfishness that I meant. I could never be a purely selfish person - it's not in my genes. Is it in most people's?
Posted by Simcha on August 2, 2001, at 9:16:20
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » dreamer, posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 8:40:51
Yes, I've found that it is important to share only certain things with certain people. This goes double when I am especially vulnerable.
As a sex addict (or sexual compulsive) it may not be appropriate to share everything with my partner who is not a sex addict. There is no way he could understand this disease from the inside out like I do. Some of my disclosure may even hurt him unnecessarily. I find that it is best to share this stuff with a therapist, pdoc, and my 12-step groups.
Also, it may not be appropriate to share my journey into meds with my partner either. He is not on meds... He does not have the same experience as me. He tends to look at meds as "crutches" and he tends to hold for the hope that someday I could be med-free. I wish that myself but coming from him it sounds shaming...like somehow I'm weak or wrong for being on meds... Again, with this stuff I come here, I talk to supportive people in my 12-step groups, I talk to my therapist and pdoc.
Some friends are good to share some of this stuff with and others are the wrong people to talk to about this stuff. My mother and father are the wrong people for me to talk to. My brother, who is on ADs and such and is a member of AA, is wonderfully supportive.
I have learned to be selective during this process. It's taken a lot of bruises in this area to learn who to trust. I guess it's part if being human.
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 10:44:51
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Simcha on August 2, 2001, at 9:16:20
>
> As a sex addict (or sexual compulsive) it may not be appropriate to share everything with my partner who is not a sex addict.-- Simcha:
This is rarely addressed here, if ever, so I thought I would throw in some support. Part of my mania involved sexual hyperactivity when young. That may not be what you're talking about, I'm not sure, but wanted you to know that I have some idea of what you have been through. It still seems like a majorly taboo subject. That one I don't even attempt to bring up! ;)
- K.
P.S. Re: support from a partner, though, I think it is very important to have if possible. I would continue to "work" on that aspect slowly.
Posted by Simcha on August 2, 2001, at 11:33:38
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Simcha, posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 10:44:51
Thanks Kingfish!
The support is appreciated. I need to bring this up because I've learned that if I hide it I'm doomed to stay stuck in it. It also helps to work through the shame that goes along with it.
;-)
> >
> > As a sex addict (or sexual compulsive) it may not be appropriate to share everything with my partner who is not a sex addict.
>
> -- Simcha:
>
> This is rarely addressed here, if ever, so I thought I would throw in some support. Part of my mania involved sexual hyperactivity when young. That may not be what you're talking about, I'm not sure, but wanted you to know that I have some idea of what you have been through. It still seems like a majorly taboo subject. That one I don't even attempt to bring up! ;)
>
> - K.
>
> P.S. Re: support from a partner, though, I think it is very important to have if possible. I would continue to "work" on that aspect slowly.
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 15:33:38
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Kingfish, posted by Simcha on August 2, 2001, at 11:33:38
The shame - yes!! And why, more shame in that, than drug or alcohol addiction? It's bizarre.
Posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 16:05:06
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Simcha, posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 15:33:38
> The shame - yes!! And why, more shame in that, than drug or alcohol addiction? It's bizarre.
Have you talked to a psychologist or someone about this? I think I cried for two years, sulked for a year, and am finally getting over it, the shame. When your mind/body betrays you it's like losing a good friend. I think the shame is a normal emotion.
BEST WISHES
Willow
Posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 17:51:18
In reply to Kingfish/ Simcha » Kingfish, posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 16:05:06
> Thank you for the kind advice. I have not yet spoken to anyone, but hope to soon. This will definitely be a last step in "recovery." I want to do psychotherapy with my pdoc but can't afford it right now.
I rented Sweet November. My husband rolled his eyes when I mentioned that it was recommended on the Dr. Bob board (and when he found out which movie it was) as I knew he would. But I remained SELFISH and rented it anyway and may require him to watch it as part of couple therapy. ;)
- K.
Posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 19:54:25
In reply to Re: Kingfish/ Simcha » Willow, posted by Kingfish on August 2, 2001, at 17:51:18
You've probably already seen this one, but my other half watched it and said he enjoyed it. Perhaps it was a way for him to makeup, no kung fu movie. Making your husband watch Sweet November will be torture for him, though he'll have a few laughs. You sure know how to be sadistic when the need arises!!
Let me know what you guys think of it!
Willow
Posted by Glenn Fagelson on August 2, 2001, at 20:43:43
In reply to Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 19:28:53
> I know this subject has come up before - just looking for support. :)
>
> I cannot help questioning the current lack of communication in a friendship. I am concerned it may be due to this friend growing tired of my needs these past few months regarding my meds and my emotional "awakenings" as I discover more about Bipolar Disorder and what it means in my life.
>
> I'm a very closed person naturally, so this quest to "open up" has been difficult as is, and the fear that someone will run away once I do expose myself, I suppose is natural.
>
> Do any of you all feel this way? This friend has been very receptive until recently.
>
> Thanks...
>
> - K.Dear Kingfish,
Of course, timing is important; however, I usually tell a friend early on that I have a mental illness. This allows me to discern which friends
have depth to their character and which
ones don't. My illness is a very big part
of who I am. I don't go into it all the
time, but I do want my closest friends to
know that I have a mental illness. I
would like to know that I could count on
one of them taking me to the hospital, if
I needed to go in, etc....Glenn
Posted by AMenz on August 3, 2001, at 0:42:23
In reply to Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by Kingfish on August 1, 2001, at 19:28:53
Opening up about this disorder has to be in small doses. To preserve frienships I try to talk to people on my best days.
Even this has met with some resistance from the few people that meet me and like me and think I am going to be able to sustain a normal whenever you feel like calling friendship. Which I cannot.
However at least I am doing better socially with this approach
> I know this subject has come up before - just looking for support. :)
>
> I cannot help questioning the current lack of communication in a friendship. I am concerned it may be due to this friend growing tired of my needs these past few months regarding my meds and my emotional "awakenings" as I discover more about Bipolar Disorder and what it means in my life.
>
> I'm a very closed person naturally, so this quest to "open up" has been difficult as is, and the fear that someone will run away once I do expose myself, I suppose is natural.
>
> Do any of you all feel this way? This friend has been very receptive until recently.
>
> Thanks...
>
> - K.
Posted by Simcha on August 3, 2001, at 7:24:57
In reply to Kingfish/ Simcha » Kingfish, posted by Willow on August 2, 2001, at 16:05:06
Willow,
Yes. I talk to my therapist about shame... I guess I should talk about it to my pdoc too. I just assume that shame is a given since I've lived with it most of my life.
Thank you for all of your support and kind words. ;-)
> > The shame - yes!! And why, more shame in that, than drug or alcohol addiction? It's bizarre.
>
> Have you talked to a psychologist or someone about this? I think I cried for two years, sulked for a year, and am finally getting over it, the shame. When your mind/body betrays you it's like losing a good friend. I think the shame is a normal emotion.
>
> BEST WISHES
> Willow
Posted by Kingfish on August 3, 2001, at 7:42:37
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much » Kingfish, posted by Glenn Fagelson on August 2, 2001, at 20:43:43
Yes, that's how I feel now, that it is a part of me, and one that I can't, and shouldn't hide. Even with medication, it still "pops up". If I fall into a depression for awhile, and can't talk to anyone, I want my friends to know it has nothing to do with them.
I've found it easier to tell new friends, than to break it to old friends, who didn't know anything was wrong. How about you?
- K.
Posted by Kingfish on August 3, 2001, at 7:44:02
In reply to Re: Losing friends because of sharing too much, posted by AMenz on August 3, 2001, at 0:42:23
> I need a great deal of space in friendships - is that what you mean?
- K.
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