Posted by Anthony Quest on May 3, 2004, at 20:48:05
In reply to Anyone a writer, all-nighter, ADDer?, posted by utopizen on May 3, 2004, at 15:00:34
I am new to this board. I have never been an internet poster before, and the only reason I chose to sign up is because the people who wrote posts here seemed intelligent and well, aware of what they don't know. The posts were also humble - and demonstrated an self-awareness of limitations and problems. It was a degree of honesty I didn't see much in my own life from friends or others.
So I thought I would start sharing my thoughts in cyberspace even if they would only be answered by other dots of light on my computer screen. It was more of a response that I was getting from actual people in my life. It seemed too that I wouldn't be thought of as odd for being able to talk about applied psychopharmocology. In the course of my life, I have had just about all that there is to have and taken all there is to take with the exception of atypical neuroleptics which always scared me. I never took barbituates for sleep either. I never used illicit drugs either.
I learned not to trust doctors or anyone else with my health, and while a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, I'd rather apply a little knowledge to what I know about myself than delegate to others the task of applying a lot a lot of knowledge about drugs to me about whom they knew next to nothing. I found being honest with doctors was rather counterproductive as well with only a few exceptions.
I chose to write to this post because it mentioned a few things I have been feeling and thinking about.
I seem to be doing my best work late at night too and my circadian rhythyms are totally screwed up. I have about a one hour window when I could fall asleep each night and if I don't lie down during that window I will easily simply stay up the entire night. I don't take any stimulants in the afternoon. I think the lack of going to sleep must trigger some sort of hypomania in me because I am wide awake at 1 am more so than when I am on 50 mg of dexedrine sustained release.
Regardless of whether or not, I've grown use to having to function in the world totally exhausted all of the time. It's been a damper on the social life I must say.
AS an aside, I don't have an ADD diagnosis. I started falling alseep in class. I am in my twenties and law student. I've been a straight A type my whole life and never had a sleep problem during the day - of course I lived on diet coke and barely slept at night but I could always make it through the day without falling asleep.
This year I finally couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't fall asleep at night which was not new. When I did I felt no more rested. But then I started to fall asleep in the day and in the car, at work, anywhere. I also got some interesting auditory hallucinations and then paralysis before sleep. I went to a sleep specialist who quickly identifies narcolepsy.
I thought it's too good to be true in the sense that I have always had medical problems totally elusive of diagnoses. But I seemed to have every single symptom of narcolepsy except cataplexy.
Now I am not sure. Since I started taking stimulants as prescribed by the sleep doctor no more sleep paralysis, no more hallucinations. I still get excessively sleepy and I wonder if I don't have idiopathic hypersomnia - a more appropriate diagnosis in that it is the catchall diagnsosis for those who have narcolepsy without the key clinical feature. It's also frustrating that the stimulants worked well for about 8 weeks and quit.
The reason I typed all this out is because I had two close friendsm but I don't consider them friends anymore. I wasn't getting my calls returned. I wrote both of them to ask for an explanation. I am sensitive about people returning phone calls.
One friend wrote that he simply wasn't feeling like we were friends; such is life. It just happens. I could appreciate his honesty and I knew already we were not friends. I just wanted to know why and that there was no reason was adequate.
Another friend - psychology phd, no less - wrote me to say that he was disappointed in me as a friend because I hadn't been fun to spend time with lately.
Specifically he said even though it wasn't my fault I had been so sleepy that he couldn't go out and enjoy himself in my presence. When I pointed out that friends should be there for each other and friendship is about more than simply providing mutual social stimulus, he wrote back -
" Yes I think that really good friends, the best of friends, are "there for each other through the good times and the bad." But herein lies the problem. Are we "really" good friends, the best of friends? Should you expect me to be there for you "through thick and through thin?". Would I expect you to be there for me as well? To me, the answer is no to both questions. I don't expect compassion and selflessness from you when it comes to me. I don't see our relationship that way. Perhaps you have and do? Perhaps you want me to be this important figure in your life, a really good friend. But that's not the way I see it. Now, would I be a better person if I could spend time with you when you are sick and be there for you when you are depressed, lonely, having physical ailments? Of course I would be. And if our relationship developed as such, I would. But it didn't"
I thought this an exceptionally cruel paragraph of prose. So esquisitely mean that I have been reading it almost daily to remind myself how I have a tendency to see what I want to see. I knew that guy for 1 1/2 years, and it's hard to imagine I wouldn't have identified the character trait that would have allowed him to write that. Then again, maybe I expect too much.
Then again, would I be friends with me? Probably not. Would I read my own emails? Probably not. Would I read my own posts. I wouldn't read my own actually; I bore myself.
I have no motivation to study and have two exams next week. I suppose this was just a way of procrastinating too. I would go to the psychiatrist if I thought I were depressed, but I don't think I am. I just think I am more honest with myself about the nature of human beings.
Is that wrong? Do I sound depressed.
P.S. Does anyone else feel like they are drunk when they are tired. I have never been a drinker but when I go without sleep and show up to work I find myself saying things that I wouldn't normally say. My inhibitions are gone. I don't think it has anything to do with Dexedrine or Adderall. I just will not have the willpower or the self-restraint to monitor thoughts before speaking outloud. I am well-respect but people are thinking of me as erratic. I am very hardworking well-composed most days. Then one day a week I will come in and say things that are true but not diplomatic; I'll just blurt things out, and then I can't explain things well at all. The stimulants keep me from falling asleep but they don't make me "sharp".
(I am working part-time in addition to grad school for a court. Since it's free, I don't worry so much about getting fired, but I'd like to think I can function as a professional when I graduate and if things don't change, I won't be able. Does anyone else have this fear, especially anyone who is going to have a professional license from the state?)
poster:Anthony Quest
thread:342897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/studs/20040420/msgs/343025.html