Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 4:15:52
In reply to Christmas! I am so exited! NOT, posted by Lamdage22 on September 16, 2018, at 6:22:50
Yeah, I gotta figure out what to do this year, too.
Last year was horrid. I really did think that I was going to get an offer of place. And I got nothing. Then I fell into a deep despair. And my 'friends' were there. And that was not what I needed. Because they had nothing to offer me with respect to what I should do with my life. With respect to any way forward. Nothing.
Temporary distraction.
Like when I was a kid and my Mother decided it was fun for her to have me run around naked. It was before my Father left, so it wasn't when she was in the grip of her 'saving money at all costs' delusion, but... I'd imagine it was because she would get a kick of people... Turning away from me and seeming embarrassed for me. And I remember becoming so very aware that I was naked in public (this was when I was like 2 or 3) and I'd cry and say that I wanted clothes and she would be all 'pooh pooh rubbish rubbish no you don't -- see shiny thing over here!!!!' and she'd try and distract me with something. Like when people try and get a toddler's attention from something they don't want them playing with to a squeeky toy or whatever.
And she'd just do that over and over. Distract me temporarily and totally disregard anything of any importance to me. And it made her feel... Clever. There was a gloating or something.
And all they could offer was temporary distraction. Which was awful. Because I didn't want temporary distraction. I wanted to figure out what the hell I was going to do. I must be able to do something productive... And they weren't willing / able to help me figure that out...
So I was a bore, I'm afraid. I was supposed to be there largely to entertain them, and I ended up just curled up in bed. And they said 'it's okay take what time you need' but of course they didn't mean that and they were pretty sh*tty about my being there shut away and there was much slamming of doors.
So... This year... I think I'd rather spend it by myself, too, yeah.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1100908
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20180816/msgs/1100924.html