Posted by alexandra_k on February 28, 2014, at 22:47:57
In reply to Re: lesser evil, posted by alexandra_k on February 27, 2014, at 23:50:19
or something.
perhaps that's the best way to think of it: i had a breakdown. of sorts. another one.
the last time... was during my second year at uni. i had a couple years away... i... ended up really down, actually. living in a boarding house. living in supported accommodation with mental health services. living in drug rehab. etc.
my way out... was to enroll back in uni. my first year i was just part time. getting up confidence in my switch from education / english to psychology. i managed to get a self contained space out the back of a family home and they left me to my own devices. and i worked really hard. got some part time work in the library. made some really good friends (while simultaneously having the odd adventure with my druggie mates)... and worked my way back to a hectic full time year and then tutoring and graduate work and travel for conferences etc... up to the phd scholarship...
it is like i've had another breakdown. and my time in wellington... and my time over the shore... were part of my being really down, actually. everything winding down... clothes wearing out... etc... it's a long way down.
and i've only just started to crawl my way out. my living situation is sorted. i am comfortable and happy here. i feel secure. that is a major. but of course it isn't the only thing. which is probably why i still feel... fragile. because the other things are only just starting to come right.
i have some good supports in philosophy, but i'm still developing things, really. still developing friendships. such things take time and they take me longer than most because of my reduced need for social contact. i bail on a lot of invitations and takes people time to get to know that it is just my way and it isn't personal / that i don't like them.
i have a little more money than i used to have... time will tell... some grading next semester - that will help a lot. perhaps i can teach a summer school class over the break? that would help one big f*ck*ng heap of help, that would. though... i'm probably not ready for that, yet... would be nice to set up something for over the summer...
i really do need this foundations year. i've just properly realised that a lot (not all - but the ones who are more likely to do well) are coming from the same school. so... they have solid friends going in to bio-med. so they are in a much better position with respect to getting on with the work etc. it would be terrific if i get to meet some people... more like me (returning students) doing the courses i'm doing in the foundations year...
then it means that next year a lot of things will be set into place before the year even starts. i'll have people to study with (who i know i can work well with where we have ways of working well together) and so on... i need a bit of time to get a bit more money through... recover my wardrobe / self confidence... occasional hair cuts... things like that. sort out optometry. dental. and time of course... and some confidence... labs and stuff...
this is the right thing for me.
i'm so grateful i have 2 years... that things aren't re-assessed until the end of next year. that means i really can do this year as a foundation (i really need them to just trust me for a bit and let me do the work i know i need to do - like with the math) instead of... locking me into a full time workload to prevent my loafing (as they would with the typical undergrad). etc. then if i have a good year in bio-med and i have good grades to show them they can see how their investment in my life has made a difference...
i'm calming down about my phone / google. i knew it would be a shock to get a smartphone... really getting behind the technology game... of course it is taking me a bit to catch up. and the settings are non-obvious because they have designed it to be easy to use for the standard (highly social) user. i can do various things... am sorting... it will just take time... i will adapt. i was glad to get it before classes started... i wish i got it a month or two ago... but, really, i have all year.
it is going to be okay.
i brought a brita water filter. and a loofah... really very happy. i forgot how much... doing little things like that... being able to do really very simple little self care things like that is important in feeling... human. like a human being. or a person... or something. something like that. really very. the water is drinkable now. yay. and my skin will be smoother. :)
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1061016
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140129/msgs/1061564.html