Posted by Lonely on August 7, 2007, at 0:23:26
In reply to Re: SO - now it's 'no' to rehab......... : - ( » ClearSkies, posted by Kath on August 2, 2007, at 22:16:34
Guilt is one of the strongest weapons that an addict/alcoholic has so expect it to be projected on to you. That's part of the reason for focusing on you now w/therapist. It's to raise your self esteem, be aware of your needs and to know that it's normal to have needs (need for family, support, love, acceptance, etc.). And, learn some techniques for dealing with the addict/alcoholic not to mention taking your focus off the addict so you can be as relaxed and in control of yourself (and indirectly, then, the addict) as you can be.
I know that they say the addict has to hit bottom first and while that's true, I think they also have to simultaneously figure out that for them there is some sort of alternative even if they have no idea what it is or how it's going to work. Unfortunately, they often don't seem to see "the way" as well as their non addicted families or friends. Sometimes peer group support is most helpful. Just make sure it's healthy support and not co-dependency.
As long as the person is under the influence, they're not in charge of themselves. I really do think that in most cases there is a biological component that will have to be addressed and managed as well as the psychological and moral.
I actually vetoed my hubby's agreement to go to rehab! Seven years later I still think I did the right thing (THIS IS NOT A GOOD CHOICE FOR EVERYONE, THOUGH!) as he's been sober that long. It was just going to be another game for him and ultimately a failure. Instead, he connected w/someone and something clicked in his mind that meant he didn't have to drink - there were other things he could do. So, I guess he hit bottom and found an alternative simultaneously.
Remember, alcohol (and drugs) are baffling, powerful, and cunning. It's kind've like a space alien has invaded their body and mind. Well, it has and it's found a very accepting location! Make that location uncomfortable!
Take care, this is all far easier said than done, I know!
> > > I told him last night exactly how I felt about his failure to keep his word, & I told him today that I'm not prepared to support him in the route he's going with his life...that 'til the end of August I'm putting it on the back burner since we'll be living together 'til then, but that at that time, I'll be deciding what my involvement will be....that my goal as his parent is to see him independent & healthy.
> >
> > Oh, Kath, I'm sorry things are going this way. This part of your post twanged me deep in my heart. My single most serious issue with my step daughter is her lip service that she's paid to me since we've met. (I think she's a compulsive liar.) Failure to follow through on promises, failure to commit one way or another... sounds familiar, eh?
>
> ........Yup sounds quite familiar!!....
>
> She's now going to counseling with her dad and I'm out of the picture. I don't think I could handle any direct involvement as she triggers me so badly. But she feels betrayed by me, that I've abandoned her, set her up for failure and she doesn't trust me.
>
> .....jeez - that must hurt!!!!! As if you deserve that! NO WAY........
>
> >
> > My therapist wants me to concentrate on me me me. It feels so selfish and wrong :-( And at the same time I'm so utterly incapable of being of any practical help.
>
> .........I think that if you (and I too) can concentrate on ourselves in being as postive & healthy and happy as possible, it'll be more easy for us to relate healthily with our kids/stepkids. Maybe this is what your T means. I'm trying to 'get my life back'. Today I actually ALMOST did some pottery!! I HAVE been doing gardening, which I love - love flowers.....
>
>
> > Let your tears fall, Kath, and feel my cyber hugs across the miles. (((((Kath))))
> >
> > ClearSkies
>
> ......Thanks ClearSkies (I'm so glad you have your old name back). Too bad we weren't close enough to give real hugs & let our tears mix!!
>
> thx for your hugs & ((((((((((((CS)))))))))))
>
> love, Kath
poster:Lonely
thread:773417
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070803/msgs/774503.html