Posted by ronaldo on November 16, 2006, at 4:38:54 [reposted on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49 | original URL]
In reply to just need to talk, posted by Lost Soul on November 14, 2006, at 19:10:25
Hello Lost Soul
You do seem lost. Can you tell me how old your oldest daughter is, is she the one whose birthday is on Thanksgiving Day? Do you think your present resurfacing difficulties have anything to do with your daughter approaching the age when you first became aware of these difficulties as a little girl yourself? Do you have any inkling what your mother's childhood was like? Is your mother's mother, your grandmother still alive? How did your mother get along with her mother? Is this a self-perpetuating thing that passes from mother to daughter? I don't for one second suggest that you will pass this 'curse' down to your own daughters. I think you are too self-aware and have suffered too much yourself to visit these difficulties on your own daughters. You need to be aware that YOU are not the problem. Your MOTHER is. Perhaps your mother should be seeing a 'shrink', not you. I think it would help you if you focussed more on your mother and less on yourself. You need to forgive your mother, you need to understand your mother, you need to switch the spotlight away from your own difficulties. Understanding is half way to forgiving. If you can understand your mother it will be easier to forgive her. Is she presently married to your father? What was his role in your childhood?
These bitter childhood memories are surfacing now for a specific reason. If you can find that reason you may be halfway to a cure. Don't hate your mother. It's too late for hate. Now is the time to try to understand.
I think that maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the fact that your eldest is growing up and reaching the age of self-awareness which was the age when YOU first experienced your difficulties.
I hope you find a lasting solution to your churning emotions but don't hate your mother just try to understand. I hated my mother for a long time, about twelve long years and it didn't do me any good. Actually I lie because it did force me to understand. It was a piecemeal affair and long and difficult but today I sit with a solution I can live with, and I do not hate my mother anymore. She was never worthy of my hate, but she never did or said anything as bad as what your mother may have done.
It is doubtful that you could reach the plane of understanding on your own without the help of others. Coming to psychobabble was a good move on your part. Maybe someone here can jog your memory or provide a key that will help you to unravel this mess. I was going to say that maybe you could go to psychotherapy with your mother the two of you together. This might give the therapist the insight he needs to get to the bottom of your predicament. But you say you do not have the money for a therapist. Never mind. I think some people over rate therapists.
It comes to me now that you might have been a hinderance in your mother's life. Maybe she wanted to move on, remarry, start a new life and you were the obstacle that blocked the way. Maybe that is why she accused you of becoming pregnant, perhaps she regretted ever falling pregnant with your good self. Noone can stand accused of being born.
Whatever LS I hope you find a solution. Remember your mother is/was just a woman. Being your mother did not make her a saint. Perhaps you expected too much of her. Maybe the solution is much simpler than we think. What you need to do is put yourself in your mother's shoes and think the way she would think. And don't try to be a better mother than she is/was. And don't try to punish her by withholding access to her grandchildren. There are no good mothers and bad mothers, there are just mothers. Forget the bad times if you possibly can and just remember the good times. Try to forgive, it is the greatest comfort to your own soul. Try to take your kids to their grandma's for Thanksgiving.
poster:ronaldo
thread:704947
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061106/msgs/704952.html