Posted by LJRen on October 22, 2006, at 1:19:38 [reposted on October 26, 2006, at 1:22:17 | original URL]
Came across this site tonight for the first time and thought I'd check it out. Was diagnosed w/ depression 12 years ago. Have tried every anti-depressant out there. Currently taking one but if you were to measure my emotional level from 0-10 with 0=lowest (saddest), 5=neutral, 10=highest (happiest). I consistently hover around 2-5. So, it's safe to say the drugs aren't really doing it for me but I stay on them b/c they keep me from going down to 0-1.
I've been in therapy for years. Not currently tho b/c I just recently moved to another state, started a new job, and waiting for the 90 day probabtionary period to pass so that my insurance will kick in.
Anyway, there's a whole list of crud I'm dealing with right now that I won't go into. I admit that when I was diagnosed years ago it was b/c I was suicidal. Also a couple years ago I walked into an ER b/c I was feeling pretty unstable and my Mom asked me to go. I ended up spending 4 days in a mental hospital. (Ironically, that's not really the best place for a depressed, suicidal person b/c they put you in with all the real crazies and that was just plain scarey.) But right now I'm not contemplating suicide. I'm not motivated enough to take that kind of action I guess.
But I keep wondering why everyone is so against it. Why is it such a bad thing? The word 'our' is a possessive word meaning when something is 'ours' it 'belongs' to us, or me, or you, or whoever. So if it is my life, then I should be able to do with it what I please, as long as I don't bring harm to anyone else. It's the same for people who want to do drugs. Hell, let them. As long as they don't drive, or have the responsibility of taking care of children, or something else like that, then let them do what they want, even if it does destroy their bodies & their lives.
If there are people out there who are so miserable and can't find solace, who for whatever reason are helpless prisoners of their own emotions, then why would anyone want to see them continue on in their misery? It would be like watching someone die from excruciating painful cancer, except people with depression aren't terminal! No, their pain gets to go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on.... And at least cancer patients can get pain killers during their last days. There are no emotional pain killers for us. Well, I guess if you got doped up on drugs or alcohol that might put the emotional pain in a haze, but I'm too smart to go that route.
I have been living with this for so long and I'm to the point now that I don't see it ending. When I was 17, I was in a near fatal car accident where I suffered a great deal of head trauma. Depression runs in my family b/c my Mom has it and her mother has it as well. But I truly believe that accident just made everything I was genetically predispositioned to 10 times worse. My mom even got migraines in her 40s, but I started getting them about a month after I got out of the hospital. So I question almost daily why the hell did I live through that damn accident if most of what I'm going to experience afterwards is going to be so painful. But the answer still continues to elude me.
Anyway, I'm interested in anyone's thoughts about my question.
Thanks, Ren
poster:LJRen
thread:697835
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061018/msgs/697835.html