Posted by corafree on August 4, 2006, at 20:57:41
I'm afraid.
When I told my PCP I was feeling better and off an AD, he got upset!?
Everyone IRL is 'used to me being depressed', and undoing all that 'programming' isn't/can't be easy.
I'm afraid of losing SSD as it pays for my housing and my job has been replaced by voice recognition software.
I'm afraid to recover and lose the support you all have given me.
Something's changing in me. I feel it. Maybe I'm all wrong and a month from now I'll be back on an AD. But maybe I'm right and there are 'some really good things' finally coming into my life or I am going to bring into my life.
I'm a real drama queen and passionate-to-a-fault, but right now I'm not looking for your attention and won't sit by the computer and wait. You all don't need to hurry respond. I'm not going to hurt myself.
I think maybe I'm going to help myself. Maybe I'm going to take a risk. Not tonight or probably tomorrow. But it feels like something's at work in this wild-n-crazy brain of mine.
Recent IRL abuse has shaken my footage a bit, but before that, and still now, I'm feeling good about crying and that's a new feeling! And, I'm feeling a lot of humor coming out of me and at me. Watching comedies wasn't my thing for years as I couldn't identify anymore. I was more comfortable watching a drama. I wouldn't even watch Roseann because it reminded me of the home and family I once had (I know what you're thinking ... wow what a family! ha!). But now, I like, for example ... Rescue Me on FX! It cracks me up! I feel good and am really laughing. I'm actually checking the comedy channel to see what's on. I'm sitting here alone laughing loudly!
I'm a young old woman. I don't look my age, but even more I don't act my age. A few days ago my daughter said 'Mom you're acting like a 12y/o!'. And, I was. And, I didn't care.
It feels like there is going to be a 'lift off' that has been a long time coming.
I've been grieving sooo many years. Recovering is totally frightening! But after sooo many years ... if I have a chance ... you'll still be here; I think you will. (Or, is this the beginning of another strand. Would I be restricted to that strand only? I'm kidding ;)
love, cf
poster:corafree
thread:673800
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060728/msgs/673800.html