Posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 19:59:43
My best friends IRL are all super busy/stressed right now. Even the ones that said "I'll be there for you..." you know the ones. I planned very carefully who I would tell about my major depression.
person 1 I told first. I didn't expect any support from her. She has alluded to it once, in about 3 monthsperson 2 I told second. He went on a walk with me and told me about different medicines. How fantastic he felt, and that if I ever felt like hurting myself, to let him know (Fu*king bullsh*t). I reached out to him twice. And he let me down twice. The worst was last week. I saw him and he looked sheepish and mumbled- um, I'm sorry I didn't return your messages. no explanation. Obviously doesn't have himself together enough to support a suicidal friend. It's a lot to ask of someone, after all.
person 3. has been busy? or maybe avoiding me? for about 2 weeks, possibly 3. Still friendly, but doesn't ever invite me places. Doesn't stop by my office anymore. I used to see her several times a day. Now I see her once a week.
person 4. invited me over once for barbeque. since then has found out that she will be moving across the country and has to wrap up a major project in 4 weeks. Has not returned e-mails. We are co-workers on a project. Has not contributed to project, or answered emails in 10 days
person 5. I asked if she wanted to go shopping. she politely declined, saying she has a lot of things going on, which is true
I'm plum out of people now. I'm sick of reaching out. I feel so deserted. I know I'm not a complete loser. But everyone else is so busy. I still feel rejected, and it hurts. I don't know who to blame, really. So I blame myself. I'm a drag, I'm a downer, I'm a burden, It's a chore to hang out with me. And the slightest bit of loneliness. Well, it hurts. I don't have very good coping mechanisms for loneliness. Existing coping mechanisms are self-destructive or require too much energy. Distraction with DVDs (that was the plan for tonight) tends to trigger me too much. Apparently good storied involve things that freak me out (pretty much everything freaks me out)- i.e. loss of a loved one, death, violence, spooky supernatural, politics, ...
If *I* can't even be alone with me, how can I expect others to be alone with me?
I feel like such a weakling. Can't live by myself. I've been doing this for 16 months now (husband is in the military, I only see him about 50 days a year)
If I can't do it (be happy on my own) by now, is it ever going to get better? Is it going to get worse?
right now I have a confluence of things that SHOULD be good for me-- therapy, anti-depressants, exercise, good weather, chocolate, frozen confections, low stress in life, I don't get it. Why am I so susceptible to loneliness. I feel like such a wimp that my happiness might rest on one person (husband).
I dunno. I really don't know. I really don't want to resort to my coping mechanisms. Can't reach out though. I've tried to hard, for too long. I feel too needy. I've demanded too much, from too many. I'm only a person, with flaws. I'm not worth this much effort. I don't even want to give the effort to myself (sometimes).
Today was pretty good. I did everything right. I got up early. I did some jogging and walking. I said "good morning" to people. I had nice conversations and shared juicy gossip at work. I ate healthy, nourishing food, and some chocolatey treats too. Phillipa will be happy to know that I rode my bike to work and back. The weather was gorgeous. I had physical therapy and got a short massage for my back (very nice), and so on.
And still. persistent blues. dark blues. I don't get it.
I hate being dependent on other people to make me happy I HATE IT.
having said that-- send me your hugs. I need them. Am I worth it? whatever. i don't care.
poster:llrrrpp
thread:656144
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060611/msgs/656144.html