Posted by Shame on April 27, 2006, at 13:26:38
Tranquility. Or rather tranquilizers. Lots of them. It's performance review day and once again it has been proven that excellence is worthless, hard work is never rewarded, and no one has ever gotten ahead by being diligent."One of the best engineers in the company."
"We are extremely lucky to have you on our team."
"No technical weaknesses."
"Driven."The punch line?
"Meets expectations."
I do not meet expectations. I am a mentor; holder of the deep computer magic others aspire for. I am the ruler by which others are measured. I am the beating heart of a company that has grown too bloated and jaded to care about the needs of its employees.
I am told they expect more out of me than others, and that the girl I am mentoring received an 'outstanding' because my guidance allowed her to excel. Being the best leaves very little room to impress those who already expect the world.
So, laying in the soft folds of my Xanax, I feel calm at last. Anxiety and rage replaced with the muzzy acceptance that I will no longer strive to be the best. No longer the correct mistakes others have made in haste or ignorance. I am no longer the safety net that keeps them safe. I am like the others now. Average, unhurried, unstressed, and indifferent to the consequences that mistakes may bring. Consequences that effect the lives of others.
My life for yours. 10 to 20% mortality rate for me and my fellow bipolars? I won't push myself towards that any more.
Sorry.
poster:Shame
thread:637501
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060422/msgs/637501.html