Posted by Angielala on January 27, 2005, at 14:24:59
In reply to Re: me, posted by spiacente on January 26, 2005, at 20:28:58
Here's a rule I made for myself, and since you sound so much like me (I never fit in, which I find now is a blessing and a great trait.... which you will grow to realize soon enough, and without even knowing it)- Never say you "should" feel a certain way. You feel what you feel and you deserve to feel whatever comes naturally.
It's chemical, and the age your at means there are soooo much going on with your chemistry... don't blame yourself, blame the chemicals. Everyone here has fought this fight with their chemicals... you are in good company... please keep posting your feels about life, we will always help clear things up... there are so many good, understanding, intelligent people here to help
> I go to an all boys school, I'm underage for clubs, I wouldn't talk to a girl at church because I feel uncomfortable doing it when my family is around, and the community is a bit hard.
>
> The thing is I should be really happy, I have everything any guy could want. At my primary school I was the freak that none of the girls liked because I was ugly and this made me feel like I had nobody, I used to get through it by pretending I was happy and basically being a trouble student. I moved on to high school and that changed, I forgot about girls and I concentrated on my school work. I had no life though, I would never even go out and I hated it, I was scared that if I went somewhere with girls there I'd get rejected. I know that at some point I started praying that a girl would like me and I'd have someone that would make me happy. God must have been listening because last year I chose to go out and not care about my looks or what anybody said, I went out and somehow I was attractive to girls, they said that I'm hot, and I got asked out a lot. I get told a lot that I'm really sweet and I have almost as many female friends as I have male friends. I thought it was great for a while: girls liked me, I didn't have to look very far for a girlfriend, and I had every guy's dream. It started to go wrong when some of my female friends started to tell me that they had fallen in love with me and that they would do anything for me. I don't know if any of you have ever had to tell someone that is in love with you that you're not interested but every time I did it, it got harder and harder. I never felt anything for any of the girls I knew, I wanted to but I didn't. Things got worse and girls even started saying if I wouldn't go out with them they'd commit suicide, I don't know for sure if any of them did, but I haven't heard from most of them since, and it's not looking like they're still around. I feel guilty about that all the time.
>
> After the last relationship where I was treated badly I went to search for my ideal girl, and the girl I found seemed perfect, our interests are even the same, we are the perfect match.
>
> When I was really young I got lost at a shopping centre and I couldn't find my mom. I was scared and alone for what felt like hours and I thought she'd left me there before she finally found me. After that I started having recurring dreams about being abandoned and I guess this whole thing has brought all that back, I was just terrified that she'd abandoned me. I was confused, I guess thats why I wrote those things, and I was scared that I'd lose her, that's probably why I lied.
>
> Maybe that will help you understand a bit more.
> Spiacente
poster:Angielala
thread:448120
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050123/msgs/448718.html