Posted by just plain jane on January 22, 2005, at 21:04:14
Is it that Full Throttle's ingredients have an uplifting effect on me, or that I have puppies? Rhetorical.
This pain is physical, caused psychically, not depressing, but I am dropping tears all over, ecstatic, sad, wondering, amazed, thanking God, especially that I DO have puppies and dogs RIGHT NOW. They may well be the bridge suspended over my abyss.
This afternoon I received my son's (my only child) address in Boot Camp, which I have been anxiously awaiting, in the form of an envelope; containing two form letters. One with a blank for the Recruit to fill in a name for "to:" and a blank for his signature. And in between is a letter which is a facsimile of a brief letter stating where he is, that he is well and being well provided for, that he cannot receive various things in the mail, only letters, and asking that the recipient write. It kind of shocked me, I was expecting, in that his-hand addressed envelope, his own words. But getting this was definitely better than the anxiety continuing to build. I shouldn't feel anxious, he is a grown man. I know. I brought him to it.
The second form letter is one from his "Senior Drill Instructor, Staff Sergeant ClXXX, J.J. " assuring me of the same thing basically with the Marines' training objectives and methods briefly touched on also. There's a blank at the top of this letter, too. However, Staff Sergeant C, JJ did not bother to put a name on it. It is a photocopy of a photocopy, of a photocopy of the original that he signed in 1902.
Not complaining about it, just illustrating.
Also in today's mail came documentation from Veterans Affairs. Their letter of Decision on my service connected compensation explaining that they have made a rating decision on my disabilities. It grants me entitlement to the rating of 100% disabled due to PTSD with additional depression and lifelong physical trauma, results of a surgery performed on me, unwarranted, in the Army twenty eight years ago; and due to PTSD related to personal (sexual) assault by a soldier while I was a soldier.
This represents two years plus of psychological warfare in my head, heart and soul, as I work on dealing with something I tossed into the abyss, or so I was certain. Two years since these claims were filed on my behalf. Two years making a bzillion calls to everyone named X, Y, Z and A, B, C trying, unsuccessfully, to get substantiating documentative evidence from a system which, were it plumbing or electricity, would not function, period.
It also assigns me an evaluation as Individually Unemployable "for occupational and social impairment, with deficiencies in most areas such as work, school, family relations, judgement, thinking, or mood due to such symptoms as: suicidal ideation, obsessional rituals which interfere with routine activities; speech intermittently illogical, obscure or irrelevant; near-continuous panic or depression affecting the ability to function independently, appropriately and effectively; impaired impulse control (such as unprovoked irritability with periods of violence); spatial disorientation; neglect of personal appearance and hygiene; difficulty in adapting to stressful circumstances (including work or worklike settings); inabiity to establish and maintain effective relationships."
Aren't you just tickled shytless that I quoted that for you. I am (shaking my head).
But that remark in there about my neglect of personal appearance and hygiene.... ? Pure BULLSHYTTE!!!
A neighbor buddy came over and plowed my place out today. I hadn't opened this mail yet and did so in the truck with him. I joyfully told him I have been evaluated as 100% disabled and unemployable by VA. He asked me what's my disability? I said, "I'm nuts," paused for a minute, then added, "and they operated on me unwarranted and screwed my insides up, leaving me in pain and shytty internal condition abdominally, for the past twenty eight years, and caused loss of use of my creative organs."
He thinks I'm kidding on the nuts part. LMAO I do manage to display my most functional side to society as much as I feel is necessary, I suppose. I'm thinkin'. Maybe?
Anyway the whole thing gave me cause to be happy, which fortunately seems to be counterbalancing that other stuff that's preying on me psychologically. Oh, happy because I won't have to kill myself trying to function "appropriately" in jobs (and society, in which they are right, I do in a non-standard fashion) and go berserking when it gets to that point again where I feel inclined to tear someone's head off and shyt down their neck.
Now tell me, does it appear to you I have problems?
O my gosh i think i am not going to sleep tonight vacillating between the intense presence of another in my psyche and the joy of being nuts.
just
plain
janethank you for your time, i hope the ride was as good for you as it was for me.
poster:just plain jane
thread:445935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050116/msgs/445935.html