Posted by Soulnik on December 10, 2004, at 14:39:40
In reply to Re: First Day here.Some of my story, posted by newbfhcards on December 7, 2004, at 22:27:22
Hey there,
So, I am still chuckling imaging our parents discussing the weather with a giant cloud called "BIPOLAR" looming over their heads!
Take your time with your friends. You need some time to get used to it yourself and to deal on your own. You are reaching out by posting here and connecting with others. Do the best you can.
What are you doing to take care of yourself with the not sleeping thing?
What did you get for hanukah?
My therapist is trying to convince me that once I find the right medication and learn some new coping mechanisms in therapy, my life will balance out and I will not have the fear of the ups and downs. The cycles are terrifying and I don't want to end up back on the job cycle you described.
I too have the strange work history. In fact, I chose a career where short term jobs are the norm because I couldn't predict what I was going to feel. It took me 9 years to finish undergrad because I kept having these overwhelming depressions where I had to drop classes followed by semesters where I would try (and usually fail) to take 5, 6 or 7 classes at a time. And I just barely finished my masters degree.
I'm 31 and in many ways I feel like most of my adult life has been lost to me. If I had been diagnosed earlier and found some stability earlier in life, I think I would feel less lost in many areas of my life. As it stands now, I feel like I have no direction professionally. I have never even attempted a long term romantic relationship because I have always considered myself too much of a mess and too unworthy of love. I am only now beginning to grieve the loss of all of that time and to acknowledge my fear of continuing to live on that maddening cycle of ups and downs - and I don't even have bipolar 1. I couldn't even imagine that!
So, now I have to live with a certain amount of uncertainty and try to trust people who say that I can and will have some relief even when I am not sure how to believe them. I do know that the medication is beginning to work and some of the depression is lifting. I have more energy but I am not hypomanic. I start a full-time job on Monday. The last one I had (4 months ago) I couldn't keep, so I am nervous and sad (it's anything not what I want to be doing) and scared but hopeful and excited about medical insurance again. We'll just have to see. I don't have suicidal thoughts today so that's good.
I say, whatever you can be grateful for on any given day, be grateful for it if you can. If you know you liked the work you were doing before, be glad you know you have something cool to go back to when you get your head above water again. Also, be VERY grateful that your illness never ruined your professional reputation. You always got out before anyone caught on! That's excellent. You played that one well. You just have to take care not to have a messy resume when it's all said and done but if you are working it, work it! I'm glad you still know you can reach your goals. That means you still know the value of your life and that this crazy crap hasn't taken that away from you. Don't let it! You sound like an excellent and protean professional in your field. I have no doubt that once you get this psych junk in check, YOU WILL ROCK! I'm proud of you dude!
And even though you're afraid of the crash, try to enjoy the good days, even if you can only get a few minutes of joy in each day. Even if all you can do it take a few seconds to say, "I don't feel like utter and complete butt right now. Good." You may be feeling good because of the meds or it may be a mania but whatever it is, try to be okay with the good if you can. I know you feel like you can’t handle another crash. Just try to hold on and have some hope. Try to believe.
I enjoy writing to you as well. It helps to connect. Let's keep it up! I hope we will both get back to the outgoing people we once were. I think we deserve it.
Peace,
Nikki
poster:Soulnik
thread:419839
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041209/msgs/427319.html