Posted by jujube on November 11, 2004, at 15:46:57
In reply to Re: Who am I? » jujube, posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2004, at 1:34:25
I know what you mean about the emptiness. I have been struggling with that for a while now. And, the sad thing is that my life has actually been quite fulfilling. A number of months ago, I was struggling so much with the question of what is my purpose in life. I am still trying to figure it out, but I think part of anyone's purpose in life is to live it to the fullest extent possible, to come into other's lives and perhaps bring them happiness or a helping hand and to treat him/herself and others with respect, caring and kindness.
My childhood wasn't your dream childhood. My homelife was quite volatile as we never knew when my dad was going to fly off the handle. He was never physically abusive, but his rages were frightening. Over the years, actually for as long as I can remember, my mom just disengaged. Really, as I learn more about depression, it becomes increasingly obvious to me that she has lived with dysthamia probably since I was about 8 or 9. Seemed that bed was her best friend, and that what little energy she had she used to protect herself emotionally from my dad's rages. I have never said this to anyone before, but I was ashamed of my homelife. I wasn't ashamed of my mom, because she did the best she could. I was ashamed because our house was always messy, my mom was always sitting there smoking, if she wasn't in bed and my there was always the risk that my dad would have one of his fits, so I didn't want my friends to come over. That's not to say that I don't love my parents, it's just that sometimes I find them hard to take. I know my childhood has shaped me, in some ways positively and in some ways negatively. I think I am more driven because of the high standards my dad had for everyone including himself. I think that I avoid confrontation and become almost physically ill when people start fighting and raising their voices because of my dad's rages. I think that I try to keep things orderly and neat because I never want to be like my mom in that regard. I have been shaped by my childhood, but it hasn't defined me. I think if it defined me, I would be a slovenly person with a violent temper. I am glad I am not. I just wish I had more backbone.
Anyways, I am sure that all that I have written is just way TOO much information, and I have now rambled on far too long. I do hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Take good care of yourself.
Tamara
poster:jujube
thread:413414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041105/msgs/414653.html