Posted by shortelise on October 28, 2004, at 23:48:45
In reply to Am I having a nervous breakdown? (sorry lengthy), posted by Angel Girl on October 27, 2004, at 19:15:45
You are asking for advice, right? If not, stop reading. If so, keep reading!
Your son needs to tell K the truth. She needs to hear FROM HIM that he hadn't been happy, etc. etc. Not to tell her is very unkind. Falling in love with someone else is a stinky, cowardly way to end a relationship. Your son needs someone to tell him the truth about this NOW so he doesn't continue this pattern and hurt more women.
Could part of your anxiety come from the fact that he has deceived her, and in knowing that you are a part of the deception? It might help you a lot if he told her, then.
Now, as for what you might do (do you see me up here on my high horse?) well... that's harder isn't it? K needs you, and you need her, so maybe you need to negociate a little.
You could try the "can we talk?" approach. Invite her over, make sure there will be no interruptions, and tell her your truth. She knows what you go through, right? Tell her the truth, tell her how much you love her, how close you feel to her, and figure out between you what the solution is.
You may have to take responsibilty, y'know, by saying something like, K, I need your help, this is because of my weakness, and nothing else. The old "this is about me, not about you" thing I like so well. Because I'd bet anything she's blaming herself for your son leaving her, so she probably wouldn't be able to take even a hint of blame from you.
If it were me, I'd say, honey, you are the closest friend I have and this breakup is really hard on me, and I'm suffering too much anxiety about it. I need us to come up with a way for you to get your needs met without me feeling so much anxiety for you.
And be prepared to cry, and slog through it. If you have a son who lived for five years with a woman who is now 23, you're not a kid yourself, so you have some maturity to bring to the table.
But, I really believe that the first step would be to get your son to level with her. Yes, he might lose her as a friend, but if he cares about her at all, he'll tell her the truth. I also think, and I know I am repeating myself but it bears repeating, it would be a bad bad bad idea for you to tell her.
I send you as much sanity as I have to spare, and great faith - you write with such clarity, and I believe that when one sees with so much clarity that it's possible to cope. Of course, what the heck do I know about anything?ShortE
poster:shortelise
thread:408094
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041026/msgs/408632.html