Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 20:22:30
In reply to Ghost, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 19:26:14
Thanks. Today (and yesterday) I just feel like giving up. I don't know why even. I just don't want to be here any more. I wish I didn't exist. You're right in that some days are worse than others, that's for sure. It's hard to focus on the positives when you can't find any.
I made a scrapbook of my trip tonight. It's not as nice as imagined... i wanted car stickers to put in it. i think car stickers would have made it really neat. I did find one car decal thing to put on the cover though, so I guess that does the job. I wish I could show you all and get your input. i did put lots of stars in it. i love stars.
is there anything that gives me hope? not really. the thought of me getting a real job is somewhat hopeful, in that i won't be struggling so much with money, although i worry that my manic inability to handle money will just put me in debt again, regardless of my annual income. but it does give me some hope that if i get this job (i'm SO close to it), i won't have to live paycheck to paycheck any more, and they'll even pay for me to relocate. and i'm hopeful that it'll be a good job where i can do good work. i'd be a technical writier and i love to write. i'd help submit drugs to the FDA for approval (i think), which would be cool because maybe one of those drugs will be the miracle cure that we all need... the anti-suicide pill.
as far as dreams go.. you know, the ones that are totally off the wall and pointless, i love photography. i don't always have the energy when i'm depressed, but when i'm depressed i like to look at the photos i've taken. (I even scanned a bunch in the other night.) but i love to take photos. i want a dark room in my house one day. when i have a house. that'd be so wonderful. i wonder if i'll ever make enough money to do something like that. one day i want to get a really nice digital camera, too. i like the instant gratification of digital, but i love the way the old manual cameras work... i'd love to do it for a living, even.
thanks for letting me ramble.((((((sandy)))))))
love,
ghost
poster:ghost
thread:366681
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040706/msgs/367000.html