Posted by Penny on April 22, 2004, at 9:07:59
In reply to Well, here's the facts, posted by Dinah on April 19, 2004, at 17:57:51
> Sixth through ninth grades, I was the designated picked on kid and pretty much learned that social contact brought intense pain.
Me too - though I guess it was more accurately 5th through 9th grades for me...
> I feel that there is something slimy and icky about me. Something that it is indescribably rude to foist onto others. And I am so careful not to bother anyone with talk or eye contact or social discourse or common courtesy that I can be enormously rude. And I know it and I can't stop it. Sometimes I'm ok, but sometimes all the will and dissociation in the world can't force me to be social with others.
>
> Is that social phobia or something else? In addition to the introversion, which I have no real problem being.I don't know if this qualifies as "social phobia" or what - but it makes me sad that you feel this way about yourself, Dinah. You said somewhere else that you aren't much in real life like you are in writing - but I find that hard to believe. You may not be able to put forward that part of yourself in real life, but it is *who you are* ultimately. I hope so, anyway, because otherwise I suppose that my writing on here (which I hope others perceive as *good*) isn't really an accurate portrayal of me in real life...
That said, I understand what you are saying. For me, it's not so extreme that I am unable to be social with others - I am even able to open up to others to an extent. But I am so afraid to let others see the "real me", for fear that they will see me to be as *bad* as I fear I really am. I know, as you said, this isn't rational thinking. It is what it is, however, and is the primary reason that I have never been involved in a romantic relationship and, at the rate I'm going, never will.
I, too, have no problem being somewhat introverted. Especially when I'm feeling bad. I was explaining that to my grandmother last night. I *enjoy* my time alone. I don't feel lonely when I'm alone. I especially like living alone, where I don't have to worry about others in the house.
I also enjoy being social, however, once I get past the hurdle of actually putting myself out there. I do enjoy the company of others. But that hurdle - that initial first step involved in "being social" - is most often so great that I refuse to even attempt it. It's much easier and safer to stay home and be by myself.
I'm forseeing the topic of my therapy session tonight. :-)
Anyway - not that it will help, but I must tell you, Dinah, though I have never "spoken" with you, I have never met you face-to-face, just going by the pictures I have seen and the woman I know you to be on this board, there is nothing remotely "slimy or icky" about you. I mean that wholeheartedly. IMHO, anyone who is graced with your company and friendship should consider themselves extremely fortunate, because you are a wonderful person. I can't even list all the wonderful things about you, Dinah - from the love you have for your child and your dogs, to the concern you have for your parents, to your intellect, to your ability to say *just the right thing* to someone who really needs a kind word.
I am a better person for knowing you, Dinah dear. Really and truly. And I would be most happy to be an IRL friend to you, were we to ever meet. :-)
((((Dinah))))
P
P.S. - sorry it has taken me so long to respond to this post!!!
poster:Penny
thread:337434
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/338754.html