Posted by jay on April 4, 2004, at 20:01:49
In reply to and what a grand movie you made jay (nm), posted by karen_kay on April 4, 2004, at 11:43:54
K.k., it's been another bad day. I slep't most of it away, as I feel only protected in the deep comfort of my bed, under the blankets. My Mom told me my Dad, who is 67 and still suffers from depression and anxiety, got drunk (he is a 'sweet' drunk...he doesn't do anything bad) and went to bed at 6:30 p.m. He has been deeply disturbed by both my life events and my inability to get over my depression and social phobia. I feel like I am hurting him...and that hurts me so bad I start to cry most of the day. He is such a sweet and delicate man, and I recall in past years before my tragedies and before my Major depression, when he was at his worst with his depression. He'd have to go to bed at 3:00 pm in the afternoon...would be crying *always*...and I recall holding him in my arms while he was crying...just like he did with me when I was little. I want *so bad* for him to see me 'well', atleast partially back to my past self, because he has health problems, and that damn shadow of death again looms. I love my parents so, so, so deeply...for they gave *everything* to me, selflessly, a gift that many people wish they had. Even now I am starting to cry, and I wish I could just cry and cry and purge out every single ounce of pain in that, empty my head and reinvent myself.
I was a "special need" (as past known by the predjudiced name of 'retarted') as a young one. I had to go to tons of special-ed, had a speech impediment, couldn't spell, do math, and barely write. My doctor said that is likely why I have this social phobia...because it is far beyond the 'standard' description. I am going to try a new psychiatrist, and hopefully they will pick up on this (and I have to *force* myself to tell them)..like I don't care...put me on 1000 drugs if needed. I have never, ever sought elation with medications, even if me just feeling 30 percent better, is all I ask for. I remember so much from childhood...and the fact it has stayed with me for 34 years. Can you believe this...I had only *one*... one real friend from kindergarden up until I graduated high school. Then, less then a year later, he shot himself in the head, killed himself, in his bedroom. One good friend, who I loved deeply, and then I am left with nobody. I lost my only child to death, as well as my fiance.
I put that mental videotape in my head, that everybody, everybody *goes away*..especially those closest to me. Obviously, that is not a nice thing to carry around, and I can feel where all of the fire in my mind comes from.Anyhow...enough of my babbling. I just felt a need to get something in the open. Thanks again for your kindness..
Sincerly,
Jay
poster:jay
thread:332446
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040331/msgs/332638.html