Posted by Angielala on March 31, 2004, at 9:19:10
In reply to Re: You are the driver, BP is the fuel... » Angielala, posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 22:17:07
I have another idea that might help you. Smoke more pot.
Haha?
:) I understand what you are saying and respect it. I will be honest and tell you that it pained me deep in my stomach while reading your response. I wish I knew what it is that you need to start forgiving yourself. You are too smart for your own good, and that makes everything more difficult. So you need pot, marijiuana, mary jane, weed, grass, apples, trees, tweed. It'll help.
> Angielala:
>
> Thanks to you and everyone else for the kind thoughts. You've obviously put a lot of thought into your situation and have been able to pull some good out of the bad.
>
> I wish I could be more like that. I've spent years trying to work some sustained benefit from being who I am into my daily life, even long, long ago before I sought any type of help and had no idea why I was so unhappy when I had every reason to be thrilled with life (and a million people to tell me so). Now, frankly, I'm just exhausted by it all. I take little solace in the creative aspect of the depression-hypomania continuum. Yah, it's nice to feel that extra something that makes the product of your labors seem more meaningful or intense or whatever, but is it worth the pain? I mean, it's not like I'm curing cancer here. I'm not saving starving babies in the Third World or bringing fire to the natives. Quite honestly, I've been told many times that my writing has a distinguishable quality to it, and usually that's meant in a complimentary sense (though you might not be able to tell from these posts). I doubt, however, that I would approach any degree of inadequacy if I didn't have that intangible "gift" from bipolar. So I've been struggling to accept the theory that there's an upside here.
>
> Please don't think I'm despondent or anything like that as I write this. These musings today are more the product of reflection than anything else. I have many people and things in my life to be thankful for, but I can rarely enjoy them. That I can appreciate how I've been blessed in many ways makes it all the more painful when the appreciation so often does not translate to enjoyment--especially when family and friends are left scratching their heads over the umpteenth event I seem "out of." In fact, that's one of the main reasons I've gone back for help after a couple years of trying to go it alone. I'm tired of letting people down while I hole up for days at a time or, alternatively, sit mute when I should be participating and contributing. If meds can help on that score, great. I doubt the long-term efficacy of anything out there right now, but I'm willing to try just about anything once (famous manic line).
>
> So, I hope you don't think I'm too negative, but I've had half a lifetime of these problems, and they only seem to get bigger. Some of you probably know how discouraging it is to know, with certainty, that the next crash is just around the corner. And not just to have an expectation that this will be so, but to perpetually understand even in your happy moments that the joy will be short-lived given the storm on the horizon. I'm sure that sounds more than a little self-pitying, but it's not. Those in our shoes know that it's an accurate, if personalized, description of part of the bipolar experience. I'm just worn out from all the years of it.
>
> Thanks again, Lala, and you other kind people who took the time to read my quasi rant against Fate, and offered kind words of encouragement. I will do my best to return the favor when the opportunity arises.
poster:Angielala
thread:330148
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040331/msgs/330754.html