Posted by Dr. Bob on March 17, 2004, at 23:54:21
In reply to Re: I tried to put this on the psyc board., posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:03:50
Sad
Posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:01:18
I've never posted on this part before, only on the meds one. So this is my first time talking about anything but meds. First of all, I am being treated for depression. I've had it as long as I can remember, and have fought to rise above it.
Recently I decided to severe the ties with an old friend who didn't seem to want me in her life anymore. I wrote her an email saying 'I'm going to have to give up on you now. You obviously have no need for me or our friendship anymore – but I guess people move on. I hope everything works out well for you.' I didn't expect much back from her, as she had been so distant. I thought it was what she wanted, and I needed the closure. Her response was like nothing I could have ever imagined. She started off making excuses (new boyfriend, so busy, so tired.) Then she started laying in to me. She said I was too dependent on our relationship to the extent of not making other friends (not true), and that she was tired of being responsible for everyone else's happiness and now it was her turn. The emails went on from there. She basically believes I'm being too needy and insecure, and said I was lashing out at her because of my own frustrations in my life. She would never admit that she had done anything wrong.
I obviously didn't get the closure I wanted, and now I'm feeling bad for ever starting this. I printed out the emails and brought them to my therapist. She said I did nothing wrong and her reaction validated my original feelings that she no longer wanted my friendship. She made me promise not to blame myself for this, but I can't help thinking ...what if I had never sent that email? So here I am feeling sad, angry, frustrated, and like I've been the butt of everyone's joke or something (I had another 'friend' write me and tell me I was very insecure and blowing everything out of proportion).
I know this is long, sorry about that. I just needed to vent. Any thoughts would be appreciated.--
Re: Sad
Posted by greywolf on March 17, 2004, at 15:29:52
In reply to Sad, posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:01:18
Cheer up, TexasChic. The strength of her reaction is probably just a rejection of what her conscience is telling her: she wasn't a very good friend to you. Instead of addressing the issue honestly, she turned the situation on its head to transfer fault to you. Why fault would enter into it is beyond me, but it obviously does for her.
I would chalk this up to a learning experience. Some people don't need distinct closure, preferring instead to let relationships fade away. I tend to do that myself, if for no other reason than I've found that not shutting the door has allowed some of my friendships to rekindle themselves years later. She probably felt challenged by your being up front about the situation, then responded inappropriately.
The plus side is that you now know where she stands, and you won't be making an investment in a relationship that seems destined to give meager returns. You can spend your time and energy on new friends or, gasp!, on yourself.
Smile. I suspect in a few months your friend's disproportionate reaction will either be a distant memory or you'll find something funny in it.
--
Re: Sad
Posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:46:26
In reply to Re: Sad, posted by greywolf on March 17, 2004, at 15:29:52
Thanks greywolf. I needed that confirmation. I wish now that I had let the relationship fade away. But how was I to know it would turn out like this! I guess I never would have know how little she thinks of me, but maybe I would have been better off not knowing. I don't know. I'm trying to be more assertive in my life and not be such a doormat. But she is the forth person in 15 years that I've had to severe the ties with. My therapist said I did the right thing in each of these situations, but I can't help but think something is wrong with me. I know one problem I have is I am extremely sensitive. My T says while it is hard being this sensitive, its also the reason I care so deeply and want to help people. But like with this friend, sometimes its mistaken as being needy.
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Re: Sad
Posted by greywolf on March 17, 2004, at 17:44:26
In reply to Re: Sad, posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:46:26
TexasChic:
Do you have any insight on why you need to formally "sever" ties with people? For a sensitive person it would seem to be an act that would create a fairly high degree of stress. Right or wrong in your intent, I might consider whether the process costs you more than you gain.
--
Re: Sad no longer.
Posted by shadows721 on March 17, 2004, at 21:23:58
In reply to Sad, posted by TexasChic on March 17, 2004, at 15:01:18
You honesty hit a truth button in your so called excuse of a friend. She knows deep down she is a sorry a** of a friend and that's her response - over reaction to the truth. She wants to be blameless in her world of fantasy of perfection. If she says anything more, say to her, "Sister, you need to wake up and look at the ugly truth of your own self deception. By, the way, I wasted my precious time on this relationship that was pointless. I deserve better. So, move out of my way and my life."
Personally, I think what you did was very healthy. You stood up for yourself. You are a sensitive and caring person. THAT'S WONDERFUL. Don't damn yourself for being that way. We need more people with heart. You probably didn't want to hurt her, so you hurt yourself by staying with this useless person in your life. Your actions sound very positive to me. It just feels foreign to stand up for yourself. You have a voice that has been silenced and needs to speak out. It's starting to do that.
Start seeking out those with your best interest. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. There is something wrong with being insensitive like that so called friend. You get over them by replacing them with people with healthier intentions. It's that simple.
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:325509
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040316/msgs/325509.html