Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 13, 2004, at 21:31:16
In reply to Re: skin picking, posted by Camille Dumont on February 13, 2004, at 9:48:30
*****Trigger*****
I thought I posted here a few days ago, but it seems I didn't. That's much the way my life is going... I don't know what I've done or not.
I do lots of SI. Picking skin is a big one though. I will do it just about any time I don't have shoes on, and on other parts of my body whenever they're accessible.
I have problems with cutting, I dig at my arms with tweezers.
For me, it started when I was about 8. I was walking home from school, and I slid down a hill beside a building made of concrete blocks. the back of my hand slid against the building and abraded the skin off my nuckles. After that, whenever I was angry, I would punch things over and over until I was bleeding.
At home, I wasn't allowed to get angry at anyone, and was punished when I did. Punishment in my family was quite often severe. It never mattered who did the initial thing that caused the anger, and in most cases, the ones who were visibly angry where the ones who were punished.
Being a multiple (MPD) it was easier to get through physical pain than emotional pain. I would get my anger out by hurting myself. Thinking back, the punishment that I gave myself, scars and bleeding, etc. werent't much less than the punishment I would have gotten from my parents.
I still hurt myself alot. It's a bad problem. I don't know how to make it go away. People tell me to quit because it's addictive. I've been doing it for over 30 years, and I don't have the option of quitting before I get addicted. I'm there already.
I would like to say that if you're picking, don't go further. Promise yourself that you won't do anything more. Promise yourself that you won't cut. Don't use a foreign object to injure yourself.
Sooner or later, if you are picking at your feet, the pain might not be as bad when you are trying to walk. Resist the urge to pick more.
I am fighting to try to see myself as valuable as other people see me. I am trying to convince myself that when I hurt my body, I am hurting all of the children, teens and adults who share my mind.
Yesterday, I hurt my hand. Today, for an hour or two, I actually felt the injury. It hurt like hell, and then the pain went away again. I can only guess that one of my alters was sharing it just to let me know how much damage I really did. In the center of my hand, I have a small hole, maybe 1/8 of an inch in diameter, and the beginning of a bruise is showing that is 1 1/2 - 2 inches in diameter. Right now, I don't feel it except for tightness in my fingers. When I can feel it, I feel it even on the back of my hand.
The reason that I mention this is because often people who self-injure can dissociate. They don't feel 'all' of the pain that they are actually causing. Eventually, they might do things like I do, and cause more damage than they expect or realize. Sooner or later, wounds become infected, scars show up where you don't really want them to. You might find that you can't do some things that were once important, such as donating blood. The nurses at the donation centers get kind of curious when they see scars and wounds on your arms.
I guess I'm saying that I'm here, and really don't want people following. I'm trying to get out of it, and it's REALLY REALLY hard.
In the words of Mr. Sauvage, in Johny English, "Take my advice, Don't go there". It's so hard to get back.
Dee.
poster:deirdrehbrt
thread:311549
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040209/msgs/313036.html