Posted by Karen_kay on February 11, 2004, at 14:53:17
In reply to Re: Ooops... » antigua, posted by DaisyM on February 11, 2004, at 13:37:09
Daisy---- ARE YOU YELLING?? :)
Yes, I'm listening! Of course I'm listening. But, is just thinking about my father really overloading or pushing to hard? I mean I haven't thought aobut this stuff in quite a while so maybe it really is time I started. Maybe he's honestly not pushing me any harder than I really need to be pushed. I don't htink he's trying to flood memories or anything like that, I'm just honestly very good at denying and avoiding. And I admit that I worry I have cancer or AIDS or things like that because I avoid thinking about things I really should be....
I have thought about the issue with my therapist and I think maybe he's pushing me for my own good. I'm not going to push myself any harder than I need to be. I promise. I just know that I've been avoiding the issue on purpose, and avoidance is my problem. I've waisted a good onth talking about my therapist's underpants and avoiding the issues I should be dealing with. I think he's right..
And I think the rason he told me that is that he wouldn't have a valid reason to keep me as a client. Hwo could he justify to his supervisor that I['m making steady improvements when his notes contradict that?
I'm honestly not beating myself up, or anythinglike that. I just have a problem with avoiding things. He's given me homework assignments the past several weeks to think about my father and I refuse. And it wasn't an hour a day or anything like that... I don't htink he wnats me to think about muy fathr that much, as he knows I won't. I think he just set the standard that high so that I would begin thinking aobut him at least for acertain amount of time per day.
And I thought aobut my father some yesterday. And I did remember some things too... Like the fact that I always remember pretending to be asleep... But I don't remember anything happening. Just always remember when someone would walk by my bedroom at night I would lay very still and pretend to be asleep..And the fact that my sister and I continued to share a bedroom, even though my older sister moved out after my father abused her and my mother kicked her out. There was a free bedroom, but my sister and I still shared a room. Ws it because we were close, or because we were scared?
See, I guess his "homework assignment" did work. Maybe tonight I'll remember more. Maybe I'll remember something good to take to my session and I can make him very proud of me. It seems I'm not in such a very happy mood anymore. I'll call my pdoc tomorrow.
poster:Karen_kay
thread:310600
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040209/msgs/312129.html