Posted by Susan J on January 4, 2004, at 14:22:25
I need some objective criticism here.
I've been horribly depressed about 2 years now. The past fall was pretty good, but I've started getting anxiety problems and started feeling sad around the holidays. I think my feeling good in the fall *and* the anxiety come from Wellbutrin.
Anyway, I *have* been bummed around the holidays and my family has noticed.
I was talking to my mother about my dad who procrastinates and I told her I empathize because I cannot for the life of me start a decent project right now.
She asked if I had thought about going off the drugs. I've told her in the past I'm scared to go off WB, because when I went off Paxil, I was great for 2 weeks and then plunged back into depression. But she's made it clear that she does not like drugs for depression in the past.
I got angry at her for a variety of reasons. One, her suggestion meant she doesn't think I'm managing my depression well. Two, it meant she doesn't *get* how painful depression is to me and how terrified I am to go back to that pain. WB seems to keep me out of the darkest of the pit, but it is causing anxiety. So far, I'd rather deal with anxiety than crippling depression. Three, I take that comment as a way to *fix* my problem rather than being *supportive* of my problem.
I told her this. She said I only see the negative but that she realizes depressed people often only see the negative. And she wonders why I cannot see that she's trying to be supportive. I told her that I'm grateful for her support, but the way she does it *hurts* me. She said I shoot down every suggestion she makes. I don't know how to make it clear to her that she cannot solve my depression (although I've told her that scores of times), but that being supportive is great. What I *shoot* down is all her suggestions like eating better, exercising, getting enough rest, getting into a routine, trying to see things more positively.
Like I haven't already *tried* all those, and tried them religiously. Actually, I'm feeling well enough to eat right and exercise, so it's not *that.* I tell her I've already done them, so that's why I discount them when she brings them up.
The next day, I was telling my brother about my short-term memory not being all that it was. He asked why, and I told him I think it's the WB. He told me he *hates* drugs, and that he thinks people *allow* themselves to fall into depression by not doing the right things, like exercising and eating right. I said, so you think I'm *weak?* He said no, he just thinks that it can be fixed without drugs. I told him that if I went off drugs, I'd really want to kill myself. He said *you won't do that, you have too much respect for yourself. Besides, N (my nephew) needs his aunt around while he's growing up. This just further convinced me he doesn't get it. No one kills themselves because they don't respect themselves, at least I don't think so. They do it because the pain is overwhelming and literally unbearable. I think N's grief over losing his aunt would be a lot less painful and definitly shorter than the pain I'm experiencing while depressed.
I just gave up. I told my mom that I don't ever want to talk about my depression with them, because even though I know they mean well, it hurts to hear what they have to say. She reiterated that I was only seeing the negative in what they said. Like it's all my fault.
My brother and mother apparently talked after this, and my brother called me back to apologize. I told him I know he means well, but that I understand my depression a lot better than they do. He said he was sorry and added that he *wasn't pressuring me* but if I ever wanted to, he'd like to sit down with me and discuss other ways to beat depression other than drugs.
Fine. Wasn't in my face. I knew he meant well. But there is still this overwhelming prejudice there against drugs and I swear to G-d meds are the *only* thing that have kept me alive this past year.
So, I ask. Do *you* guys think I'm only seeing the negative here?
Thanks!
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:296387
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031229/msgs/296387.html