Posted by Susan J on October 4, 2003, at 15:05:29
In reply to i'm desperate and afraid ,,,, posted by jinglebts on October 3, 2003, at 2:21:38
Hang in there. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about ADD. It's wonderful that you are both in counseling. With good therapists, it is a godsend.
As far as your husband losing his job, I've been through this when my father just stopped working for no reason, leaving my mom (who had no skills and made almost nothing) to support the family with two kids in college. I've seen it in my uncle who just up and stopped working. I've seen in it two of my exes, one who was fired, one who went back to school but wouldn't work enough to earn enough to pay half our mortgage (I paid for *everything* else). And it's *really* not hard to earn $400 a month here in DC. And I've seen it in my best friend's boyfriend, who was laid off in the tech sector and has failed to find another job in 8 months.
But I do have to say that men handle unemployment differently than women do. Generalizing of course. Women sit, typing their resumes, through streams of tears and take any job they can get to keep the money coming in. They just reason that somewhere down the line, a more appropriate job will come up and they'll get it later. For now, put out fires, stay afloat.
Men, in general, seem to get absolutely paralyzed by a job loss. Like a fatal blow to their self-esteem. It's incapacitating. I don't know what it is, and have no answers here. But maybe that's something your therapist/counselor can help both of you see. How to effectively motivate your husband to find *something*, to assure him that he's not less of a man because he lost his job.
And I *do* know that when my exboyfriend went back to school and I was in effect supporting the household, it created a very unhealth imbalance of power. I didn't think any less of him because I was making 10 times what he did. I truly admired him for going back to school. But *he* thought less of himself for earning so much less. So little by little he stopped contributing in *other* ways. No cleaning the house, no doing laundry, no running errands, no cooking dinner, no nothing. And then I nagged. And nagged. And I became more the mother, and he more the son. It was awful. So I *obviously* did not handle his underemployment very well. I *know* my behavior didn't help. But I hope your therapist/counsellor can help both of you see how to cope with this very stressful situation.
I wish you the best, and I'll be thinking of you.
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:265136
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031002/msgs/265560.html