Posted by Tabitha on July 25, 2003, at 12:40:40
In reply to Same boat, sans anchor, posted by kara lynne on July 24, 2003, at 23:46:21
> ..., and wants to make sure if we go into counseling that I'll take as much blame as him. That's what's important to him; not that he makes it better, just that he doesn't look wrong.
That sounds familiar. My guy was big into equality. For every conflict, I had to be equally responsible no matter what. For all his flaws, I had to have equal ones. Even if they didn't show, he'd suggest some way that they were actually present but hidden. So I'd look at his level of functioning and maturity and think, oh brother, this guy's going to push and push to make me believe I'm always the same as him.
The funny thing was, during conflict, he'd use this 12-step approach where he listed all his flaws and pointed the finger only at himself. He thought it was incorrect to even look at the other person's actions, or to feel any anger toward them. When he finished he'd expect me to do the same-- list all my flaws and say nothing about him, and stuff my anger too, then we'd be equal. Well I was trained in process groups, where a big part of what you do is tell your reaction to the other person, then eventually you both sort out what's really them and what's your projection, and where it came from. And meanwhile they have their reaction to you, and their projection, and on and on. Well, getting such 'feedback' freaked him out completely. He'd say I was blaming him, and I was incapable of taking responsibility. At one point he asked me to never use the word 'you' during a discussion again. Like I was never allowed to say what I thought was a good 'I statement', like 'when you said X, I felt Y'. It was too much for him. Anything with 'you' in it he took as blame and huge personal criticism, and not playing by the rules. It was sort of comical.
>
> Glad you called your therapist. I did too this evening.
She worked her magic. Got me to discard the whole ball of worry. Something like transitions are hard, and leaving is particularly hard for me, and I generally find a way to punish myself for leaving, and perhaps that's all my big ball of worry amounts to. In that case I can pretty much disregard it all, and know I'm going to be coming up with reasons to feel bad about myself until I get out of there.
poster:Tabitha
thread:245041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/245197.html