Posted by Sabina on July 23, 2003, at 18:54:47
In reply to Re: therapist awol again » Sabina, posted by gabbix2 on July 23, 2003, at 18:00:06
i see how you meant it, now. i didn't at all think you sounded defensive, just that i hadn't been communicating effectively. i always blame myself first, especially when i know that i often am not thinking clearly! it *is* difficult to make things clear in writing, and it is brave of all of us to keep coming here and talking about our problems in an effort to stave off hopelessness, SI, or any of the more damaging coping mechanisms, if only temporarily. last night, i didn't do so well and i am working on forgiving myself for how i acted. i know that sometimes i get so sick of hearing myself even *think* about my own problems, let alone posting them for the world to see; so i do feel obliged to apologize for "whining" (i think is how Penny termed it). i feel so silly talking about my boo hoo, my lonely day, whatever - when there are so many people in this world (and on this board) who have what i consider "real problems". i've been very resistent in therapy to accept validation of my own feelings; but then, i was kind of brought up not to do so. i even tell myself, you have so many blessings in life, why can't you just be happy? of course, that line of thought perpetuates a destructive cycle of self loathing. however, i'm finally realizing that it's beyond my control, dang it. my poor coping skills with the stressors of everyday problems is a direct result of a mood disorder. i cannot *force* myself to create a balanced brain chemistry any more than a diabetic can convince himself to balance his blood sugar. i'm bipolar. i'm not simply nervous, or congenitally irritating, or possessing a weak character. i've finally been diagnosed properly and i'm doing the best i can do. i've never been the type to do this message board sort of thing. i've always been too private about my illness. so private, in fact, that i managed to ignore it myself for 35 years. i only started getting help this year when i realized there were two choices imminent : suicide or treatment. thanks again for being here for me.
poster:Sabina
thread:244594
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/244648.html