Posted by Penny on July 23, 2003, at 11:33:38
In reply to Re: tired of it, posted by yesac on July 23, 2003, at 11:10:56
> Yes! Lately I just keep thinking "god, I am so depressed!" I have imagined going in to my therapists office and saying "I am just so depressed" which isn't something that I usually really come out and say. And "I am so tired of this life, so tired of struggling every single day..." How to go on? I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm not sure if I can do it anymore.
>
> And like Dinah said, I too feel so guilty about being ungrateful for what I have. I feel like I just let myself wallow in self-pity, and I don't deserve to feel like my life sucks when there are people who have "real" problems. I mean, I'm smart, I have a job that I basically like (not that I get such great pay, but it's better than nothing), I have a degree from a good school and got good grades, I'm driven (but at the same time I have motivation issues), I have a family that loves me.... But I'm just not very grateful about any of it. Instead, I am always thinking about how it's not fair about what I don't have. Always thinking about my misery, and jealous of those for whom life seems to be just wonderful.
Let me give you a thought that I can't seem to make myself believe (and I think we've discussed this): pain is relative. Your suffering is relative. Sure, there are people in worse circumstances than you, okay, fine. There's always someone worse off than someone else, in different ways. You have people dying from cancer, people starving in Iraq, baby girls being killed in many countries, and so on. It sucks. And you can only do what you can do to help them (ummm...you did service work after college, did you not???). But just because there are many people who have seemingly 'worse' circumstances than you DOESN'T MINIMIZE WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. There are people who have seemingly better circumstances than you - more money, better jobs, more of a social life, etc. - who might still be miserable. They might still suffer from a disease called DEPRESSION. Does the fact that they have so much to be thankful for minimize the pain that disease causes them? You know as well as I do that depression doesn't discriminate. Your depression doesn't stem from your circumstances as much as it does your chemistry, something you can't do much about on your own. It's not like you're sitting around going "Gee, I hate my life, and I COULD choose to be happy with what I have, but I CHOOSE to be unhappy, because that's what I want - I want to be unhappy." No - you are saying "I'm in pain, I'm hurting, I'm tired, I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of medication trials, etc. etc. etc." and you don't WANT to be this way. If you had a choice, you would be able to find the joy in simple things - but the disease is clouding your brain, playing games with your emotions, skewing your logic. Your not being 'grateful' for what you have isn't really because you're not grateful - you probably are - it's because you can't ENJOY it. There is a difference, and the second one is something that hopefully will come in good time.It's hard to care about things when you are in the Pit. I'm right there with you. I understand. Try to not beat yourself up with feeling guilty about not feeling good. If you had a choice, you would feel good, right? In this case, it's not your choice! Don't feel bad for something you have no control over.
P
poster:Penny
thread:244372
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/244515.html