Posted by Penny on June 27, 2003, at 9:14:47
Why does being at work make me want to cry? I feel much much worse when I'm here. Wake up sick in the morning, with a headache, and feel down all day. My office is on the third (top) floor of my building, with only grad students, a few admins, and faculty offices. And I'm at the end of the hall, so no one even comes by my door. Which is okay, I guess, but I'm so isolated. I feel quite lonely.
At the same time, I avoid going downstairs as much as possible. It makes me nauseated and extremely anxious to have to meet with my boss, even though he's always been nothing but good to me. I was out earlier this week, though, and week before last for two days, as I had a headache and nausea and just generally wasn't feeling well, and he looked at me yesterday like he didn't really believe there was anything wrong.
Of course, the headaches and nausea aren't the main problem, though they don't make it any easier. The real problem is that I would prefer to just be in bed with the covers over my head and stay there. I've said this before on this board and someone said "You'd get tired of that" and maybe I would, but it would be a nice break to get away from having to deal with real life for a while. Money problems, relationship problems (or lack-of-relationship problems), roommate/best friend issues, work issues, school, etc. It just seems overwhelming and too much for me right now!
I found myself wanting to drive into something the other evening when I was out. I was on this long stretch of infrequently traveled highway and there were many opportunities for me to just run my car off the road either into something or down a steep incline. I didn't, but I really really wanted to.
I feel like crying. Right now, usually, on Fridays, I meet with my boss at 10 a.m. Yesterday I asked him if we could chat then since I had set up an appointment for today at 10:30 to interview someone and since I didn't have much to update him on anyway. We talked a bit, but I left a little unclear as to whether he still wanted to meet today or not. I'm not on his calendar, so I'm assuming not, but I emailed him to be sure, and haven't heard from him and yet, here I sit, on pins and needles wondering if he's expecting me and getting upset with me and so on.
I feel like a terrible person, a terrible employee, like I don't deserve this job. And I'm totally sabotaging myself, making it harder than it is, making myself not come across that well. I know I'm capable of so much more, but right now I just want to cry.
Sorry for griping, for those of you who actually took the time to read this pitiful post.
Penny
poster:Penny
thread:237473
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030626/msgs/237473.html