Posted by kalyb on June 1, 2003, at 17:41:40
In reply to Re: Don't be me, posted by kara lynne on May 31, 2003, at 22:08:24
Kara Lynne wrote:
" I have already wasted so much time in my life in relationships that don't work. I don't seem to learn my lessons quickly. I know it's a downward spiral to think of time as being wasted, but that's the depressive trap..."I'm currently obsessed with the old boyfriend I dreamt about, thinking I should have just married *that* abusive alcoholic. I really believe I will never find happiness in a relationship. I had a devastating feeling the other day; I wondered if this sadness I've felt almost since I can remember being alive, was the knowing that I would never find love in this lifetime."
I hear you - I hear you.... I feel for you.... this is how I feel, too... and is one of the root causes of my depression. I'm 40, still single, never had a long-term relationship, no children... and the only reason I've not had kids is because I never had a relationship. And now it's probably too late - the odds are that it won't happen before I hit the menopause. It hurts, it hurts so very much.
When I was a teenager, for some reason (I don't know why) I remember my mother saying to me: "You'll never have a husband." and "No man will ever want you." How desperately I wanted, and still want, her to be wrong. She has no memory of ever saying that to me, but it'll stay with me my whole life.
If I had a crystal ball, and could find out right now that I'll never have a partner, then I don't want to live any longer. Sometimes the only motivation I feel for carrying on is that I might meet someone tomorrow.
I'm sorry if this is bringing you down, but it touched a very sensitive part of me. I don't often meet others who feel the same way. There aren't many people out there like me - 40, no home of my own, unmarried, childless, useless, pointless. A couple of years ago, like you, I met someone and although I didn't trust it at first, eventually believed that I was, finally, going to get married and have kids. But it fell apart.
Since then, my younger sister got married unexpectedly last year; my friend/landlady just had a baby, and now two of her/my mutual friends/acquaintances are pregnant. I don't know how much more pain I can take, or how much more I need events to convince me I'm just totally abnormal and life isn't going to deliver what I think I deserve. Do I not deserve it? Is that why?
My latest relationship lasted 3 months... with a wonderful, unexpected guy.... he was just about everything I could have wished for in a partner and my life looked so different, so rosy; he wanted to give me a life I could never have got by myself. I was truly happy. I felt real, normal, at peace. My future looked amazing. And then he ended it, because he said although he tried, he couldn't love me. He said that was his fault, not mine - but it's happened to me before. How many times must it happen before I start really believing I'm unlovable? How many more failed relationships with great guys, how much more potential do I watch crashing to the ground, how much more love lost and time wasted?
My apologies once again for sad rambling; it's been coming on for a few days, and despite the Effexor I am getting tears in my eyes when I think about this last guy because I miss him as a friend, too, and he doesn't want contact.
My posting name is Kalyb, which means "lady of the woods" and I am indeed lost in the forest.
Hugs to you Kara Lynne, we will find what we want one day. It won't be tomorrow, but it's coming to us. We just need to hang on until it finds us.
Kalyb xx
poster:kalyb
thread:230242
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/230634.html