Posted by Rach on April 30, 2003, at 2:10:23
In reply to Need advice re; teenage daughter/She's SO SAD!, posted by CJ Nightowl on April 26, 2003, at 0:13:34
Hi CJ,
I first came here when I was 19, I think. I'm now 22.
I haven't read all of the above posts, but I agree with the people who suggested she get her own therapist. Having regular sessions helped me immensely. You said she won't open up to a counselor. Does she trust this counselor? If it is someone at her school, she may be worried that what she says will eventually get around. Find someone unrelated to the school. Does she want to see someone? Does she realise she has a problem? That may be something you have to wait for...her to realise that she needs help.
Unfortunately, teenage girls are ruthless and cruel. I was reminded of this last night when I bumped into a girl I used to go to school with. I have only remained in contact with one female friend from high school, one male friend, and there is one other (male) who I wish I still had contact with. I honestly don't feel any desire to see anyone else from high school, unless it is to show them how much I have achieved since then. Running into this girl was very strange. She hasn't changed and yet she has. She was an incredible bitch and it was interesting to see her so nervous in talking to me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that high school can be a horrible nightmare for a lot of people, but that the most important thing is to survive with a belief in yourself. I'm so much stronger because I was forced to realise that I am a special person regardless of what other people think, whereas this girl is still nervous and stammering because my judgement is everything to her self esteem.
I know this isn't particularly helpful to you or your daughter. I suppose I just want to say that you can come out the other side stronger and a better person no matter how people treat you.
As a mother, I think the best thing for you to realise is that there is nothing much more you can do. I would try not to get too involved in the problems she has with friends and the like. You need to make yourself available so she can come to you and ask for help, and if you get too involved she won't be able to do that. You need to provide a caring and nonjudgemental atmosphere for her to feel comfortable in talking to you or asking for that help. And you also need to understand that she may never ask for your help or never accept your help. That is not something you should take personally, sometimes she may need to keep things separate as kind of a safety mechanism.
Don't ever say anything about her weight. Ever. I'm a normal, slender build, and if I'm standing funny or my clothes are puffing out, my mother will make a joke about my belly. I know I'm an okay weight, but even a joke about clothes sitting funny makes me self conscious and drags down my body image. The most important thing is to get her mentally and emotionally healthy, and then the physical health will follow.
Just one more point. I'm a dancer. If I don't dance, I'm depressed. I had the best year of my life last year because I studied dance full time. I now can't afford to pay for classes, so I'm falling back in the hole. But when I dance, even just once a week, I'm happy. The exercise is great. I'm substituting with riding a bike, which helps. If you can find her love, what gives her joy, and incorporate that regularly into her life, she will get better so much faster. And if you can get her doing some form of exercise, that will also help. If the two intersect, then it's perfect.
I'm positive it wasn't easy even for Britney Spears...
All the best,
Rach
poster:Rach
thread:222494
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030426/msgs/223375.html