Posted by Tabitha on March 29, 2003, at 1:50:43
I did a normal thing tonight, went to happy hour with some coworkers, drank a shot of tequila, had some laughs, ... and nothing bad happened.
this is only remarkable because, I used to never be able to do casual socializing, it would upset me, or I'd get into trouble, I'd get an obsessive crush on some guy that would make me miserable, I'd drink too much, get a little too wild, feel miserable with shame afterward, or drink too much, offend someone, feel miserable with shame afterward, or I'd just feel so closed off and end up alone in the midst of the party, feeling like social cancer, and come away feeling worse about myself than if I hadn't gone. Or I'd make some drama out of getting acceptance like that was the last clique on earth and I had to get in, and play that out until I'd embarassed myself.
Tonight none of that stuff happened. My crush was even there, young guy I once kissed after a party, I've been afraid to be around him socially for fear I'd die of embarassment, or get obsessed with him, or be rude to him to hide my crush. Nothing much happened. We ended up being the last people walking to cars even, there was a little flirtation, but no big deal. I handled it.
I was even not so great in one interaction with a guy, but accepting of it. I maybe leaked a little anger with some sarcasm, but so what? I'm human. I don't have to shrivel up and avoid people because I'm not perfect. There are plenty of offensive people, way more offensive than me, who still manage to have social lives. People learn to accept them. I don't have to be perfect.
Listen to all this, I swear I'm having healthy thoughts.
You know what else is different? I wasn't really invited to this thing, but it seemed like people didn't exactly need inviting, so instead of getting into some big drama over not being invited, I just casually asked, hey, are they having the happy hour for so-and-so tonight? In the past I've either gotten offended for not being invited, or guilt-tripped people into inviting me.. or even crashed some party where I was truly not welcome.. I could never quite get the hang of how people got included. Somehow I managed to gracefully get included with no big drama. Go me.
I started getting depressed and panicky afterward, and I realized (1) it's the little mini-hangover from the tequila shot, it will pass, and (2) I'm just not used to normal socializing. It's a lot to take in. Maybe I even miss the drama who knows. or it's sadness, there's no magic, this is it, just some conversation and a few laughs.
I'm ready to shed the social misfit thing and just socialize in a normal way. How bout that?
poster:Tabitha
thread:213982
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030326/msgs/213982.html