Posted by likelife on February 21, 2003, at 17:40:46
when I had nothing to explain.
Oh, this mess I have made.But then things got complicated,
My innocence has all but faded.
Oh, this mess I have made.And I don't believe in love,
So I can't be saved.
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess I have made.(Ben Folds Five)
I feel like there are so many things I can't explain, especially when meeting new people, and especially about my depression. I talk with my therapist about my inability to have intimate relationships, though what I really want is to have people close, which is enormously frustrating. I can talk with my husband about [almost] everything, but with my other friends, I hit this wall, where I will start to talk about myself, feel uncomfortable, and ask how they're doing. I spend a disproportionate amount of time listening. And I listen to a lot of my friends' problems. But I just can't get out my own. There are very few people (maybe 3) who know the extent of my mental illness, and the treatment I've undergone/endured/been lucky to have. I don't need to tell every new person I meet my whole life story, but I feel like it affects me greatly, and to not talk about it at all is to deny some of what I'm about.
I would think this would get easier with practice. Now, on to the practice. It's so much easier to do this anonymously, instead of in person.
My therapist tells me I avoid connection, am afraid of it. And when I was really depressed, and really wanting people to care, she told me it was hard for others to care, if they could plainly see that I didn't. Don't really know where I'm going with all of this, but I know I wish I didn't feel like I had so much to explain.
poster:likelife
thread:202590
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030215/msgs/202590.html