Posted by bookgurl99 on July 14, 2002, at 22:56:26
In reply to Is it just me?, posted by babyBella on July 14, 2002, at 16:20:28
Hi babyb, welcome to the board
Hey, I remember being 19. I'm 26 now. I can say that in a number of ways, 19 is good but 26 is better. Being a little wet around the ears, you're just making your first strides into adult life. That's a lot to deal with, on top of feeling depressed.
Here's the thing about depression and self-esteem: when you're already feeling down on yourself, you'll tend to interpret the experiences around you in a negative fashion. I've heard of it described as a 'negative filter.' Mix that with a sensitive personality -- which it sounds like you have -- and you end up feeling like you're responsible for making everyone and everything happy. Because this is impossible, you end up beating yourself up for being unable to do so. So basically, in depression, you end up finding things in the world to reinforce the (untrue) belief that you're stupid, worthless, or overall pathetic. Does any of this sound familiar?
When you're in this state, it takes conscious effort to start noticing the good in yourself and in the world. I started by writing down 3 things I was grateful for from that day in the morning, afternoon, and evening. That way I sort of had to pay attention to the good in life.
The other thing it takes a while to do is trust yourself to make the best choices for yourself and your happiness. Keep in mind that you are not personally responsible for anyone else's happiness. So, if you don't like your job, and can find other work, then it is in your best interest to quit it for you. You don't need to force yourself to stay in it for anyone else. After all, no one else needs to live your life for you.
Back when I was 19, I had a similar situation. I stayed at a college that I couldn't stand, mostly to keep my parents and my boyfriend happy. It took several years for me to have the guts to leave that city and attend the college I wanted. And it's not that I have serious regrets about it, but I'm sure that I would have been more successful in school if I hadn't had to spend so much energy on forcing myself to stay in a situation that didn't work for me.
Anyways, these are the ramblings of a slightly older woman --
Good luck, write if you want,
bookgurl99
poster:bookgurl99
thread:26383
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020714/msgs/26413.html