Posted by SusanG on June 7, 2002, at 13:33:59
This is a sensitive topic and I wonder about the wisdom of my posting it, but I feel a need to say this.
I know I have read in posts or talked in chat about the notion of some of us being afraid to get better and not doing all we can to get well. I know this thought is offensive since we would probably cut off our right arms if it meant we could be rescued from this hell we experience. But I must confess that sometimes I think there is a tiny bit of truth in this for me. I resent it when told I'm not doing all I can to be well, or I'm even doing things to make my depression worse (perseverating, wallowing, etc). But once in a while I get a momentary taste of freedom from my own dark thoughts and while it feels wonderful, alive, and hopeful, I also get a little wave of something I can only describe as fear or a feeling of loss. I ask myself, why wouldn't I want to be better? I can come up with some ideas, though some fit better than others. And right now I am struggling to think clearly so I don't know if I even make sense.
Feeling depressed and hopeless is familiar to me now. I have almost forgotten what I used to feel like when I wasn't depressed. I get attention and support when I feel bad; maybe I won't have this if I get better. Maybe somewhere deep inside I don't feel I deserve to be happy and I am punishing myself by remaining in this state. Perhaps I am punishing others by being miserable and therefore miserable to be around. I devote a lot of time to my depression including reading posts and chatting on PBO. If I get well, I will not have this in my life and what will fill the void? I've forgotten how I spent my time when I was happy. If I am not depressed, does this mean I have no excuses now and must accomplish things? Cultivating hobbies, etc., sounds overwhelming to me but maybe that is still the depression talking. Being depressed is familiar to me; maybe I am afraid of change, even if it is good change.
Most of the time I wish with all my heart to be free of this pain but there is that tiny part of me that says I'd better look very closely at myself to see if I am, in fact, doing all I can to help myself. And if not, I'd better figure out why not and do something to address that. Just my thoughts about me here and wondering if this fits for any of you. Please don't be offended by my suggestion that this could be the case. I'm sure it is not true for the majority but if it helps someone to discover what might be holding them back, then I am glad I mentioned it.
poster:SusanG
thread:25136
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020531/msgs/25136.html