Posted by shelliR on April 25, 2002, at 14:04:32
In reply to ..., posted by LiLi80 on April 24, 2002, at 20:46:39
Lilli,
I know this all sounds so unrelated to the depression that feels like it's eating you up. But I wanted to connect and hope that you can let in some of the things that this group is giving you. Some of us are older and have lived through both ups and downs.
When I was 24, I wanted to die. Some things were wrong in my life and heaviness and pain came over me. I went into the hospital (no better when I came out). But I started an MAOI anti-depressant and the heaviness just lifted. My life was far from perfect and during the rest of my twenties and early thirties I was sad and isolated quite a bit.
I found working horrible. I worked in research; I found 9-5 unbearable and I found office politics unbearable. I received disability. That was really a gift for me--I got to explore areas of art that I couldn't do with a "regular" job.
Then I started a business. Something that was mine and something that I excelled at. I didn't want to die. I worked hard because I was working for myself.
Anyway, I had NO idea that part of life could be wonderful for me. I could have stopped in at age 24. But I didn't, I went on, gathered all the resourses I could and went ahead. Then I thought how lucky I am to have found something I love, and something that makes other people so happy. I am very grateful for my gift and grateful that I get paid for my gift.
In the last few years--particularly this last year, I've been very depressed and want to die. I think it is a biological depression. But I can't off myself because my family loves me and I feel that it would be so selfish. And I try to look back at age 24 and see that I had no idea that I could love things in life. It looked all black ahead.
You hurt so much that you have lost your perspective. You need someone to help you with that, someone who carries this perspective for you.
You haven't answered questions about a therapist. So life will happen, and it is likely that much of it will happy. I agree with Shar, maybe not a happily ever after, but a mixture of sadness and joy. People who you haven't even met will come into your life who you will like a lot, maybe even love.Realize how young you are and how much time there is to change. This is the hardest part. To have the faith that things will change. The intensity of life is not as strong as you get older. There is less dispair. You will get through this. And you will see that beyond the blackness there are many colors.
Shelli
poster:shelliR
thread:22569
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22630.html