Posted by Alii on April 25, 2002, at 11:07:16
In reply to but the pain won't stop (nm), posted by LiLi80 on April 25, 2002, at 10:31:55
LiLi80--
I'm sure many wish they could offer up 'proof' that this pain can be stopped but we aren't
sure of how to show you this 'proof'.In the past seven or eight years I've been seeing active treatment for my major depression I
have had times (days, weeks, months, the painful darkness doesn't keep me advise of it's
schedule so I never know how long OR SHORT it will be) when I am hurting so much that
30 seconds was too long to stand.I HATED digital clocks because they mocked me as they lit up the night with their minutes
moving like molasses!I've gone from college aged achieving to older, more self accepting warrior.
I've gone from NO resources---no pdoc, no therapist, lost a dear significant other to my
'craziness' (the depression sweetie), alienated my friends, misunderstood by family, etc.And with some frickin inner something I have navigated my way this far. I don't know if
you've read any resources on suicide but in my years of fighting that urge/impulse I've
found the strength I need by hearing and reading other's accounts of how they got through.
Road maps if you will.Let's go one further: each person's account of their pain and suicidal states is different. So
say we have 50 ppl. 50 different 'road maps' of how they got through their darkest, most
hate/rage/pain filled times.Say I read these 50 'maps'. Just like visiting the 50 states I'm not going to want to drive
every road, every highway, every street. So I have to pick and choose what speaks to me
to stumble my way along this journey.Not any one person or resource has had just the right answer for me but they have had
pieces. Being a scientific Alii I got voracious in finding all information I could to arm myself
against this insidious foe of depression.The pain I feel and fear so much has returned from time to time but now I recognize it as an
unwelcome house guest. I'll change the bed sheet for the 'beast' but I'm not going to say
make yourself at home.I tolerate it (hate it) but only the experience of having taken the chance of LIVING through
the hellish painful periods and having emerged on the other side yet again is what keeps me
fighting this monster that has stolen jobs, friends, family, self worth, etc. from me.I want those things back dag nabbit!!
And I'm fighting to reach your heart, LiLi, as someone who cares.
Again. (((LiLi80)))
-a
poster:Alii
thread:22615
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22620.html