Posted by Gracie2 on April 17, 2002, at 19:59:07
In reply to Re: reaction to suicide, posted by fi on April 11, 2002, at 10:11:59
Last February I attempted suicide, late at night after drinking a bottle of wine. It has been a mercy to me that I don't remember anything about that night, don't remember having my stomach pumped, can't remember anything until I woke up in ICU. In fact, the previous two days before my suicide attempt have been completely wiped from my memory - I was upset because I thought I missed work, but my family assured me that I did go to work those two days.
Although I do not care to remember my experience in the ER - being in the medical field, I have witnessed the "charcoal treatment" and it's thoroughly unpleasant - but I do wish I could remember what thoughts drove me to doing such a drastic thing. My regular doctor surmised that I had no idea what I was doing. My psychiatrist simply said that it is not safe for me to drink alcohol.
Since then I have re-read William Styron's excellent book, "Darkness Visible", the story about his suicidal depression. It provides some insight into suicidal emotions and I would recommend the book to anyone. It's very short and only takes a few hours to read. However, he refers to his depression as "madness", something I disagree with. Styron was not thinking of suicide because he had been directed to kill himself by little men from Mars.
Still, I wondered, do you have to be completely delusional to be considered "mad"? A short time ago I watched a movie about Victor Hugo's daughter, who ostensibly went mad over unrequited love for a soldier. She wore a pillow under her dress to make people believe she was pregnant. In one very touching scene, she followed the soldier through the woods and when he confronted her, she held out a handful of money to him, which made him denounce her as pathetic. Later she apparently lost all touch with reality and was confined to an asylum for life. This, I thought, was truely madness, beyond depression.
Anyway, my suicide attempt left me feeling deeply shamed. If I so much as drop a laundry basket on the floor, my son will always shout, "Mom, are you alright?!" He was so worried about me that I finally took his face in my hands and told him, "I promise you that I will never, ever do that to you again."
He said, "If you did that 100 more times, I would still be here for you," and, of course, I started to cry. What terrible things I have subjected him to...besides my overdose in February, I've been hospitalized for a drug-induced seizure and escorted to an ambulance by the police after I called 911 and asked for the number to a suicide hotline. The police were called after I told the operator I had access to a gun.
How stupid, how careless I have been with my own life and the lives of others that have been affected by my actions. I am deeply sorry for the stress and turmoil I have caused, and I urge others to think of what sorrow they will bring to their families - particularly the legacy left for their children - if they consider suicide.
We will all leave this earth soon enough.
-Gracie
poster:Gracie2
thread:21833
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020411/msgs/22222.html