Posted by Krazy Kat on April 11, 2002, at 19:17:09
In reply to Re: going vegetarian for sar » Krazy Kat , posted by wendy b. on April 11, 2002, at 17:10:30
wendy:
you're going to make me cry, Again! :)
> I really respect you for doing this, K.
-- no respect needed - it's easy for me. i love the fact that when i think about why i'm not having chicken fajitas for dinner, it's because of sar. i hope i will keep it up, b/c it will keep her memory alive in a day-to-day way for me.
> I know somehow Sar will feel you honoring her every day by not participating in a practice she abhorred. I wish I had the discipline (comes from disciple).-- and the disciples Were disciplined! ;)
> I tell you what I did: I lit 3 large Goya candles, the kitschy kind Sar would have loved, cuz they only cost $1.49, cuz they are yellow, blue and red, with pictures of saints, assorted Virgins, and Jesuses on them, and messages on the back, prayers, in both Spanish and English. From the Goya section of the grocery store of course...-- i know exactly which candles you mean - we have a few. i can't get them around here. they were available in the SW, of course, and around D.C. and in NYC, but not here. Strange. My husband, a Catholic, loves those candles.
> Anyway, I lit them, crossed myself, and now walk by them and say little prayers, keep them lit even when we are out of the house (they can't hurt anything, they're long tall glass cylinders with wax in them). They stay lit for an incredibly long time. When I came home last night, the saints' faces were glowing...
>
> One is Santa Barbara, you pray to her to keep enemies away ('those wicked and miserable beings who wish to interrupt my Christian life'). I think of those as bad thoughts as well, enemy phantoms in my head. I guess I identified with Sar, she had a lot of those enemy thoughts, and so do I...
>
> The next is Our Lady of Fatima, the Virgin, 'I offer you my soul with all its sorrows and joys,' it's a petition to the Lady to offer my soul to Jesus Christ, so that he will grant a favor, and god, sir, if I could ask a favor, it would be that Sar would know, wherever she is, how much we all loved her, tell her we miss her, and grant her some serenity, if you could please...
>
> Last we have La Virgen de la Caridad del Cobre, Our Lady of Charity... 'Holy Lady of Charity,' it says, simply, 'I humbly and fervently ask that my prayers be heard and answered...' But you know what I want, more than anything, is for us to wind the clock back to a week or so ago, when she was still alive, and freeze us there, or at least give us another chance to make sure Sar knew how we felt about her... Or how about: just keep her alive? And I know that can't happen. And I was baptized Catholic, but I'm no Christian, and I can still pray for something.-- and myself an agnostic of sorts says "religion is not all bad." i know that even when my husband was questioning his, it offered him solace to go through the rituals. we are of different minds re: it now, but it doesn't matter.
> We can't go back, I can't stop wishing we could, just a little prayer, just a little magic, that's all we need...
-- she will be around us as long as we remember her i think. and even if we forget, she may very well make a visit and remind us that she is there.
-- you did make me cry again. :)
-- i had a few moments of silence. i took my "ooommm" candle and my "Tao of Pooh" book and my cigs out to the large, slow creek we live on. I lit the candle, i lit a cig, and stared at the water, then at the trees, then at the sky. i thought about taoism a little since it's something sar and i had discussed, but mostly i stared and tried to think of nothing.
the candle blew out. a hawk flew overhead. i lit another cig. my dog came down to join me. i went inside.
was she the candle, or the hawk or the dog? any seem possible. :)
Love you, Wendy
- kelly
poster:Krazy Kat
thread:21832
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020411/msgs/21915.html