Posted by Anna Laura on March 13, 2002, at 23:17:30
In reply to what now?, posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 13:56:19
> It's weird... I am feeling better after 3 months of Effexor XR, and after decades of dysthymia and years of major depression and residual symptoms. It feels great. I breathe freely again, each day is a blessing.
>
> At the same time, now that the depression is behind me, I realize the mess that my life has become, and I am not sure what to do with it. Decisions to make, aspirations to aspire to. For a very long time, I didn't expect much of anything from life, so I didn't plan for much of anything either. The present was pretty much unbearable, forget the future! Now I dream of good things again, but geez, I'm so far behind! It makes me feel sad as I grieve over the past decades. And at times I feel overwhelmed at what's to come and how the heck I'm gonna make it happen. Sometimes I want the simplest life possible - minimizing problems, hence no family, a simple job and simple pleasures. Then sometimes I want more: a family (my original family traumatized me about family in general so I associate that to a lot of potential trouble - not simplicity!), a great job, a house - the whole deal. But I'm already 34, I don't have a decent job yet, I have lots of student loans to reimburse, I don't have a boyfriend, my career might send me to another country altogether, etc. A lot of uncertainty still, and nothing solid such as a good mariage either.
>
> So there is a huge gap between where I am vs. where I'd like to be. I take pleasure in everyday I live, but I think of things in the longer run too. That's where I worry a bit and I'm somewhat at a loss. Some days I feel like I can't think of that because it'll ruin my day and that's the last thing I want after decades of days ruined. Some days it seems more realistic that good things will happen to me soon. I think of my age though and I find it hard to think that I'm already 34. I should be 24 due to the years lost to mental illness! A friend of mine recently put words in my mouth: he said I younged lately (rather than aged), and that's how I feel. The reality is otherwise however and I am expected to behave like a 34 years old.
>
> Anyway... anybody else with this sense of needing some years back? Similar experiences?
>
> - sid
Hi sid,
i'm really glad you're feeling better.
To hear a success story is very encouraging, it gives me hope.
I don't know what else to add which it hasn't been said already; as far as i am concerned, if i were you i wouldn't put too much pressure on me, you know like: i have to do to this and that, "i have gotta have kids before it's too late" and so forth.
I think i would subscribe Mair's words when she says you should take it easy.
I know it's not that simple, but try not to rush.
Just enjoy and savour your new life: it's such a miracle! I think you should re-learn to follow your inner rithms and gut feelings, as depression left like mental "foot-prints" on you. Depression it's about being overthinking, over rational, all "in your head" sort of, if you know what i mean. Depression is about being pure intellect, disconnected -from- the -body, so that the best solution for you would be not too be too cerebral.
After all those years of depression i think you should re-learn to follow your body inner wisdom, feel your sensations and emotions and try to listen to what they have to tell you.
I suffered form depression when i was a child form age eight to thirteen; i know it's not the same thing as you're 34 (gonna be 33 myself, by the way) but there's like a common denominator in the recovery process that seems to fit anybody at any age or life stage. Mourning it's a natural process pertaining to everybody.
I recall crying for an entire afternoon when i was thirteen: i could finally breathe after five years "underwater". Nobody in the family seemed to understand what was matter with me (nobody ever knew i had been depressed actually) i think they thought i was kind of crazy, but i didn't care as long as i felt relieved.
Sorry for rambling: the point i'm trying to make is that one should allow his/her emotions to come out without judging and rationalize, you know like: "I feel better: what am i supposed to do now?". I know it might sound too simplistic or naive, but i think one should be like more "instinctive". Mourning it's o.k. and it's a natural process it allows you to discharge all the mental toxins you have produced when you were depressed; ruminate over the mourning process it's an opposite process, it's more like a depressive "cast" if you know what i mean.
I think we all should re-learn to be more emotional without thinking about the consequences, just like kids do;
i'm not talking about being irresponsible, it's more about learning again to get tuned on the rithm of life; life can't be planned and rationalized nor controlled; the best things coming without expecting them whatsoever; the best events of my life were serendipitous, most of the times i forget abou that, trying to control the events.
So, go ahead, indulge in the appetite for life: after so many years of austerity it wouldn't hurt.my best wishes
Anna Laura
poster:Anna Laura
thread:19640
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020305/msgs/19816.html