Posted by trouble on January 31, 2002, at 13:29:50
I can't believe I did this again.
I can't believe I've been walking around my trailer for the last 2 hours looking for a piece of paper.
I remember after talking to the guy who hired me to clean his house today, and I was very professional and impressive, he was nice and I told myself this is money, this is important. Put the address in a place you will find it. I said that out loud.I pretend. It's all pretending. Every day. I clean houses b/c that way you can keep replacing the clients you piss off. For every responsible action I contrive there are 5 unforgivable word-breaking fuck-ups. I tell no one this--that I was late b/c I spent 30 minutes looking for my shoes before I realized I was wearing them. Oh God, I think, if they only knew what a loser I am, but they know they know, I'm the one who won't face the facts. My GAF score is 45. Please is there anybody out there who is functioning in the world w/a GAF score btwn 45-50? If so, let's talk.
In the moment when doing unforgivable things like running out of gas on the way to a job, or arriving at a house only to find I left their housekey behind, losing the checks they write me for services etc I try do do the inner KIND PARENT/WILD CHILD self talk.
KP: Well now, you know you do this, let's not pretend we're shocked at the situation we've gotten ourselves in.
WC: I hate work, I hate people pulling on me, I shouldn't have to do this, I'm mentally ill, I'm an artist-
KP: Unfortunately we have to find a way to keep the groceries coming thru the door.
WC: I'm too sick. I can't do this, look at the mess.
KP: But somehow you've managed to survive on your own these 43 years.
WP: The last psych evaluation said I am slowly decompensating, year by year.
KP: Maybe you're just hanging onto these fragmented patterns to stay connected to the maniac you once were. That's what the therapist thinks anyway.
WC: But the psychiatrist is a MEDICAL DOCTOR and he said I am gradually decompensating. Look at my GAF score.
KP: Why don't we look on the PSB site?!Well, I'm calmer now. I know someone out there can relate to my problems. I don't know what decompensation means and I'm scared to look it. It sounds bad doesn't it?
poster:trouble
thread:17611
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020125/msgs/17611.html