Posted by Anna Laura on December 6, 2001, at 1:09:44
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
> Thsi is a strange post, I know.
>
> I'm curious. I know there are alot of us here who contemplate suicide. Once in your life..... twice...... daily......
>
> So, my question is: What keeps you here?? What are YOUR reasons for not doing it?i'm not scared of death if this would imply i'd just be vanished. Then it'd be much easier. The problem is that very often my depression casts its shadow beyond death, making me think it'd never go away, that it would stick on me for the eternity. When i feel better, death looks more reassuring since i experience more positive emotions and more optimistic thoughts so i think i'd carry them with me if i were to start a journey in the strange land that lies after death.
The thing that keeps me hanging on most of times is indeed the fear i could survive after death. Because if i were to survive i would take all my luggage of anguish and desperation with me, travelling a never ending trip into a waste desert land without being able to come back, forever alone till the end of times.
When i was a child i used to have a recurrent nightmare: i was flying above a huge forest grazing over the top of the trees; there was like a classic music piece in the air playing : it was sad and terryfying at the same time; i was floating in the glare of sunlight, everything looked cheerful but i felt unexplicably anguished; i tried to fight this unpleasant feeling off, telling myself everything was o.k. and i didn't need to feel that way since it was a sunny day, the woods were wonderful and that there was music playing: when i resolved doing so and i felt more at ease a voice would come up out of nowhere saying: "you're the only survivor upon this earth and in the whole universe".
poster:Anna Laura
thread:15014
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011130/msgs/15038.html