Posted by akc on November 30, 2001, at 19:07:41
In reply to Re: Still Hurting, posted by Greg A. on November 30, 2001, at 17:46:48
I just checked the xanax supply -- it is really low.
Work sorta knows. My hours suffer because of my illness (I'm an attorney at a major law firm -- it is all about billable hours). They know it is related to my illness and my meds. But they do not know about the day to day struggles I can have.
I've cut plenty in the past. Tend to do it places where it is pretty hidden -- no swimsuits, though. Not a problem with all the weigh I carry -- haven't done a swimsuit in about 6 years.
I stopped on the way home to pick up dinner. Someone ordered a bud light -- my cheap beer of choice. I thought I was past my drinking. The last round (in May) was not pretty. But if the liquor store had been next door to the restaurant, I would have bought something. Luckily, I had to drive and that gave me enough time to come to my senses.
I just feel I need to act. That I cannot sit with whatever is causing this pain. It is like a storm in my head -- and then I get surges of anxiety -- really intense. For those moments, I do feel like I will explode.
I don't know. I am not safe. I won't go to the hospital -- it is not that type of unsafe. It is the cutting/drinking/taking something I shouldn't unsafe. All poor coping skills unsafe.
I have made a deal with myself that I will call my T before I act out. But I also fear that she might somehow convince me to not act out. That she somehow has this power to control my actions. That's crazy -- we have been working on trust, but I don't want to trust her right now. I just want to feel better.
I don't even make sense to myself.
akc
poster:akc
thread:14631
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011130/msgs/14637.html